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Saturday, Sep 22, 2007 - 18:57 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Genuinely Immaterial

Quote of semester so far:
"Money grow... like a tree" - EC3333 professor



The blog owner speaks
Official Announcement

It has come to my attention that certain unfounded allegations have surfaced about my identity. I therefore take the opportunity to dispel all untruths about my current condition and urge all readers not to be taken in.

Thank you.


I acknowledge that there may have been some misunderstandings, pertaining to the piecemeal adoption of the tentatively-named IFUL creole, as a consequence of its popularity amongst certain associates. This is a perfectly normal occurance, and a continuation of the progressive trend of modernizing and perfecting the primitive Queen's English, which has before this seen its ultimate expression in standard Singlish.

The elegance of a natural language must lie predominantly, if not wholly, in its simplicity, unambiguity and utility. Although I will be the first to admit that obsolete tongues possess a certain quaint charm, the days of backward natives - the noble savages of today - embarrasingly harrumphing their way through criminally awkward and unintuitive sentence constructions are, I regret to say, as over as that of steam-powered counting machines. Compare the sleekness of Singlish compared to its clunky forebear:

Ye Olde British English: "Please excuse me, I would like to visit the washroom."

Singlish: "I go toilet."

It does not take a language specialist to conclude that an inferior lingo that expends several times the effort of a modern language to convey the same meaning will eventually be replaced, as its aged adherents die out without passing their knowledge on to their descendants, who know better. Sentimentalist that I am, I'll probably even shed a tear when the last native English speaker moves on to the next world, but at least technology should ensure that its legacy will be carried on in some dusty hard drive archive somewhere, when that happens.

But Singlish is no longer the cutting edge, as some of the undeniably bright undergraduates of one of the top research centres of the world - the National University of Singapore - have been observed to be conversing amongst themselves with a wonderfully efficient offshoot, IFUL. Although details are sketchy, some facts are available.


So simple even bunnies can pick it up (Original pic)

Firstly, IFUL takes compactness to a whole new level by encapsulating the breadth of possible human experience into four basic sounds - I "[ahy]" as a reference to the self, U "[yoo]" as a reference to some/all other humans, FARK "[fahk]" as an all-purpose noun-pronoun-adjective-verb-adverb-preposition-conjunction-interjection which, with subtly different pronunciation may encompass any existing or yet-to-be object or idea, while the final sound LAH "[lah]" provides a poetic richness of emotional modifiers to speech.

Like Italian, much of IFUL may derive from accompanying physical cues, a largely underexploited goldmine of expressive possibilities that more stuffy languages have ignored to their detriment. Observe:

British English: "Hello, good morning, how are you today?"

IFUL: "I fark u lah?" (Cheery tone, lighthearted "fark", gentle "u", politely questioning "lah")

British English: "I am fine, thank you."

IFUL: "I fark u lah." (Slightly rapid enunciation for a stock response, obliging "lah")

British English: "I am glad to hear that. Would you be so kind as to return me the fifty dollars I lent you yesterday?"

IFUL: "I fark u lah?" (Neutral, firm insistent tone, mildly sharp "fark", clipped "lah")

British English: "I am sorry, but I do not recall myself ever borrowing money from you."

IFUL: "I fark u lah." (Controlled but hostile overall mood, curt "fark", hint of finality in "lah")

British English: "I am not pleased to hear that."

IFUL: "I FARK U LAH." (Self explanatory)

Somewhere around this point, the outmoded traditions of English public schools would mandate a hard punch in the jaw without warning; They might not get too far here, though, since the locally developed equivalent - a kick in the balls without warning - is an improvement both in speed and in effect. The sun has certainly set on the formerly Great Britain.

An additional advantage of IFUL is that advanced speakers can choose to make themselves completely incomprehensible to non-advanced speakers, by barely perceptible nuances that recall the nobility of Paul Atreides' gift of conveying intention by a single glance, or alternatively resorting to the abbreviated Atreides Battle Tongue. Ah, for the subtle hauteur of Fremen poise...

On to materialism now, while keeping my soles warm and comfy on a $3 made-in-Egypt white Näckten floor mat that my parents got me when we were at IKEA. Bashing materialism is all well and fashionable, but buying stuff has to be good up to a point - and I've not done my part for the economy for some time. It's been over a year since I got my last pair of shoes, and I suddenly got an irrational craving for a new pair. So...


adidas Bracara IV IN (Black/Silver), UK size 9.5

Went back to the same Queensway Shopping Centre outlet, to realise that they just don't make football boots in sober black anymore. In a twist on the old Henry Ford line, "the customer can have any colour he wants... so long as it's not black". You can have canary yellow, obsidian blue cum metallic platinum, white and gold, silver grass or just about any combination of maroon, orange, lime green and bronze, but just not mostly black.

Okay, I exaggerate, but seriously it seems that only a tiny handful of boots are over 70% black nowadays, and just as seriously an equally tiny handful of casual players have the skill to carry off flashy boots. Whites, maybe even deep reds, are still fine, but chances are if you're not Ronaldo or Henry stuff like yellow or electric blue won't fit. Also, I plan for my indoor boots to do double duty as casual wear, and they don't cut it for that either.

Black doesn't show up as much dirt, too.

The Bracaras were the sharpest-looking pair in my opinion (and as a bonus they actually bore some resemblance to "proper" old-school boots), so I took them. I had actually resolved to try out a non-adidas product, but oh well. They felt extremely solid and durable (as is my experience for adidas), and were fairly priced and fit snugly to boot.


Frustratingly there seemed to be no information on this particular line, so it was only through some research that I found that it was the low-end version of the Aveiros (Aveiros [high-end] - Leiras [mid-end] - Bracaras [low-end], in the same way as say Absolute [high-end] - Absolion [mid-end] - Absolado [low-end]). Fine by me, I'm not shelling out several hundred for true leather boots anytime soon. But what are the Aveiros? They appear to be boots from adidas' flagship Predator line, without the extra stuff like the rubber vamps. I managed to trace the Bracara III back to the Aveiro III and the Pulse, but the Bracara IV has laces in the middle (another rarity in this day), so I'm not sure which model influenced it.

Imaginary Punting Round Seven. Only got Sunderland to beat Reading right last time around, so $525.90/$750. Not too unexpected given all were long odds, and I can count myself lucky I forgot to place one on Newcastle vs Derby, as Derby actually won. Repeat after me: Football, bloody game.

There's only really one option that jumps out at me today though, and it's:

$80 on Arsenal (-2.5) vs. Derby (at 2.50)

I hate to say it, but Arsenal are looking like the imperious United of last season right now, and three goals is what can reasonably be expected. Liverpool's odds are far too short against Birmingham, and for the rest I may as well flip a coin. Wait, there's also...

$20 on Manchester City to beat Fulham (2.75)



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