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Tuesday, Feb 01, 2011 - 23:01 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

On My Back

"Ronaldo, Kaka, Zidane, Figo, Andy Carroll...
how those names ring out through the halls of history"
- a wit on Redcafe.net



Better than Shevchenko! (Source: Wikipedia)


Ladies and gentlemen, the world has become far stranger than I could have imagined. Behold, Andy Carroll, eleven Premier League goals to his name, now most expensive British player ever, eighth-most expensive player ever, Andy Carroll!

As another guy said on the forum, "I feel like I'm worth at least a million at this stage." Well, I would settle for a free transfer to United.

The fee may have had a little bit to do with Fernando Torres moving for fifty million pounds, which sparked off a merry old-fashioned round of shirt-burning amongst Liverpool fans [Youtube #1] [Youtube #2 (must watch!)]. Well, personally I feel he shouldn't be too upset by that - only those that are somebody get their shirts burnt (Gerrard, *ahem* Rooney); I don't see too many Babel No. 19s going up in flames.

The shirt-burners can count themselves lucky, though - they could have been this guy. Or this guy.

Speaking of fire, a fourth-floor apartment caught fire in the next block a couple of weeks back, and the neighbourhood gathered around to watch the firemen do their job. Thankfully, it appeared as if no-one was home.

And on the topic of heartbreak, an engineering professor jumped to his death a couple of days ago, after getting cheated on by his PRC girlfriend (who even brought an American guy to their flat). Altogether a very sad affair, which hasn't been picked up by the local English-language news, unlike the stabbing incident a couple of years back.

This is understandable, since reading about suicides daily (which is about the rate at which they occur here) would get depressing quickly, and moreover possibly counterproductive. Nevertheless, this one in particular reminded me of Turing and Gödel (both whom happened to come to unfortunate ends), and what they discovered: "Not all problems are computable."


One Year One Month On

Remember last year's resolutions? Sad to say, not mincing words here, I failed. Partial success, if you're feeling generous, but closer to fail.

On the work and attitude points, I'm still frankly far, far too introspective. Philosophy is for old men, really. I've been trying to sentence myself to ten push-ups whenever I get into such moods, but enforcement has been sporadic at best (as with the three chin-ups per entry toll)

So, they'll be renewed for this year, with an emphasis on action. Want to code, write, work out? JUST DO EET, MAN! (slogan altered to preclude lawsuit from Nike) DUN THINK LIAO! JUST DO EET! ASK FOR FORGIVENESS LATER! APOLOGIZE IN YOUR MEMOIRS WHEN YOU ARE A SENIOR CITIZEN! HECK CARE!

Ahem.

On the fitness side, there is somewhat more concrete data available. As previously reported, I cut about twelve pounds over twelve weeks, about the recommended rate, before figuring that it didn't make sense to continue further, since I would then pass through marathon runner territory into famine victim zone. Eat less, lose weight is CONFIRMED.

Didn't do too much for the second half of 2010, except play around with a few bicep curls and chin-ups now and then, which did have an effect going by the recent IPPT results.

What about the elliptical machine? Well, it appears that I have spent a total of 23 hours, 32 minutes and 23 seconds on it for the whole of 2010 over 73 sessions, at an average of eight minutes a session. Unfortunately, that turns out to be about a dollar fifty per minute, so far. Hope the thing lasts.

Moving on then to general fitness, as well as more specific goals, like running faster and jumping further/higher. First step was to... do research. Hey, I'm a grad student, okay?


Don't be a sissy! Get back on the Swiss ball!


Before that, the trusty Mr. Ham, who was getting a little tired of being unhamployed, hopped in. He certainly had the credentials. His stint as my personal trainer however came to an abrupt end after he insisted that I stretch by touching my chin to my bellybutton and kicking my foot behind my neck. "Just like I've been doing! We'll start easy, two hundred per movement, five reps per second", I can still hear him saying. For that, he's been relegated to subordinate grip trainer.


On To The Real On My Back

I then recalled the Vertical Jump Development Bible which I had come across long ago, which promoted strength as the backbone of speed and hops. Supposedly, weightlifters were faster than sprinters over 25 metres back in 1968 (though techniques may have evolved since then), and the broad jump record is held by a 300 pound (135kg) thrower. Hmm.

The basic idea, as Baggett says, is that explosive power of the sort used in sprinting and leaping is produced through both muscular force (strength) and velocity (speed). However, raw speed (such as in tapping one's fingers as quickly as possible) is difficult to increase appreciably, and since top-class sprinters cycle their feet at about the same rate as normal people, it may not even be all that important.

While speed can likely be marginally improved (by up to 20%?), along with form, strength is typically where most of the potential lies; an untrained person can reasonably expect to eventually increase his strength by some 300% or more with sustained training. Obviously, if one can triple his force output into the ground without losing too much speed, he's probably going to run/jump rather faster/higher.

Of course, there are a ton of technicalities blah blah, but I don't think I'm anywhere near having to bother with them yet. It's kinda like a newbie asking what he should be doing about his weak points, only to be informed that it doesn't matter because everywhere is a weak point.

So I looked about for a program to improve basic strength, and hit upon Rippetoe's, which advocates lifting progressively heavier weights, increasing them at a sensible pace, basically what people have been doing for millenia. It is instructive to note that the lifts used are compound ones which work most of the body, including the Big Three.

There's only one exercise that's done every visit, though, and that's the squat. The idea is very simple, and in fact everybody does it when they sit on a chair (and stand up after that). The only difference in the gym is that a bar loaded with weights is held across the shoulders. All very straightforward.

Except that even 55kg (121 pounds) for three sets of five hasn't been a cakewalk. Seems like it'll be a long slog to a twice-bodyweight (~300 pounds) max, which I suppose would correspond to repping about 260 pounds...

Or not so long, if an increase of a mere five pounds a session can be sustained for a few months. Shudders.


A Few Final Figures

The training plan outlined here shoots for performance, not aesthetics, though the two do overlap - it has been said that a powerlifter is someone who looks like he could lift 400 pounds but lifts 600, while a bodybuilder is someone who looks like he could lift 600 pounds but lifts 400. Nothing wrong with either goal, of course.

This seems like as good a place as any to insert a book review: Paul Fussell (as introduced here) was a 26 year-old to-be graduate student (sounds familiar?) in English, who got intimidated by New York City (unlike tcl, *occ, twm, *gogogo and gang), being six foot four but just 170 pounds. Desperately seeking a measure of personal security, he began working out at the local YMCA in an effort to bulk up.

[Sidenote One: The YWCA (Young Women's Christian Association) of England and Wales has recently rebranded itself as "Platform 51". While I'm definitely not a fan of organized religion, this still struck me as slightly unwarranted. There are plenty of secular charities - why not preserve some heritage here and there?]

[Sidenote Two: Fussell recounts being befriended by a gay guy on his first visit, and it appears that that stereotype is at least partially true - a Google search on "safra gym" points to a local forum for homosexual men on the first page of results. Ulp. Well, they're entitled to memberships too...]

Fussell eventually ends up injecting himself with steroids to be competitive, which upon further research, appears to be the status quo among most professionals (the most damning indictment is that some organizations have felt the need to explicitly label themselves as for "natural bodybuilders").

I remember being dismayed when reading that local practitioners had doped some years ago, since the sport (okay, maybe) has consistently brought some measure of glory to the nation. Now, I'm more astonished that so many managed it without juice. It goes without saying that doping is seriously unhealthy, and the greatest irony is that the extreme physiques achieved are, well, on the far side of aesthetic, to me at least. One's meat is another's poison yadda yadda.

Well, it doesn't seem too fair that when "models" and "figures" in dubious publications (not, however, of the sort that struggling researchers are wont to submit papers to) are mentioned, female proportions are immediately assumed. Clearly, nobody cares about guys much, but a little looking quickly threw up some suggestions. So, what's good for 150 pounds, take a bit?

SrcNeckBicepsForearmChestWaistHipsThighCalf
[1]1514.111.839.329.435.321.214.1
[2]1514.611.840.628.434.521.513.8
[3]1515124129352214
[4]1514.611.840.628.434.521.513.8
[5]15.71612.845.8--24.916.7

In inches, to the nearest decimal place
(N.B. Final row shows maximal, not "ideal", sizes)


So it appears that I could do with three or four more inches around my upper arms (biceps is something of a misnomer, since the triceps make up most of the upper arm) and chest, a bit on the neck and forearms, and a couple of inches off the waist. We'll see how that goes...



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Next: Bun Year


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2 comments

anonymous said...
where's cock size


February 3, 2011 - 05:43 SGT     
gilbert said...
this should be passable:



ok lah, see this.


February 3, 2011 - 19:44 SGT     

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