Sunday, Oct 09, 2011 - 18:56 SGT Posted By: Gilbert
Notes From A Cult Leader
Me: "I wonder how Mr. Ham is doing."
Mr. Robo: "Yep, there's been no news from him since he upped and left last week."
Ms. Robo: "I found this letter on the doorstep!"
To the Human Tyrant, my dear Butler, and the ravishing Ms. Robo:
Me & Mr. Robo: "What?!"
Ms. Robo: *blushes* "Oh, the little rogue!"
I have embarked upon a new phase of my life, having happened upon a life-changing book. Time waits for no ham, and I resolved to act upon my career switch to Cult Leader without delay.
Unwilling to start off unprepared, I registered myself with a reputable Cult Leader Workship, which has boasted of producing four of the ten fastest-growing cults of the past decade. Due to regulations, it had to be marketed as a "motivational speaking & self-affirmation" event, but you soon learn to ignore these inconsequential details.
The main speaker, who made his first million in under a year from heading a new cult, started off by asking if we were interested in being a franchisee for one of the existing major cults. When we replied in the negative, he praised us for being "the spirit of enterprise from which legends are made", and that it is very difficult to make it big in an existing cult without knowing somebody.
He then ran us through the basic cult-building strategies, mostly mentioned in the book, though with some new innovations and case studies. The last day of the workshop was devoted to networking to gain that extra edge, and I found myself hooking up with a Mr. Ho Hon-Hong, who claimed to have been a street vendor from Shanghai, but I suspect he made that up too.
Despite that, I found him to be a ham after my own heart, and we agreed to pursue our Cult Leader ambitions together. After some discussion, it was decided to start off in a small southern Hamerican town; it had everything we needed - a credulous population with disposable income, low rents, and a history of incubating successful cults.
Day One
Withdrew the bulk of my accessible funds to buy a one way air ticket to Hamerica. Found a wallet in the back pocket of the passenger dozing next to me. Forgot to return it. Mr. Ho remarked that it must be Divine Providence, and I could not help but agree. Inspired, I penned the Parable of the Sleeping Samaritan, which Mr. Ho asked to include in the catechism he was compiling. I was more than happy to oblige my friend.
When queuing up for the coach to our Promised Land, I realised that the wallet was mostly empty. It seems like Mr. Samaritan is gonna be rewritten as a devil in disguise.
Day Two
After liberating more unattended material possessions that were impeding the spiritual growth of their erstwhile owners, we finally scrounged up enough cash for the trip. I recorded a warm happy glow in my heart from all the good that I was doing, even before setting up my cult proper.
We arrived at our chosen base, which shall remain unnamed, and separated to find and assemble our first marks. I checked into a dingy run-down motel which at least had Wi-Fi, and was delighted that my free Starter Cult CreedTM, complimentary from the workshop, had arrived in my email inbox. It is a slightly-customized one-size-fits-most framework, easily adjustable to suit a beginner Cult Leader's needs, yet producing a totally unique theology. I attach the final results for your reference:
Mythology MadLibs Template #57127850
The One True Blessed Holy Quadrilateral of Six Stars was founded in by the [fill in your name] in . [You] received your authority in the form of from the , who .
The after that, and people far and wide were terrified due to their , but mostly because [you] sent your faithful to kill them all under the slightest provocation, like ...
You get the drift.
I spent the rest of the afternoon searching for and adapting old stories, including half the plot of Jersey Shore.
Me: "Bloody hell, he can't be serious."
Mr. Robo: "Sadly, he is."
Day Three
Armed with a fistful of leaflets, I hotfooted it on the streets to gain my first converts. Wasted most of the morning being chased away by competitors. Well, nobody said that working at a startup was easy. Did lose a few ounces.
Finally isolated a nervous-looking fellow at the back of a H-mart, and extracted a promise from him to attend the first meeting of my cult, lest he be broiled indefinitely in the underworld. Which reminds me, I have got to find acceptable premises for The One True Quadrilateral.
Signed away 10% of the first year's earnings to a highly-recommended cult research consultancy, but it was well worth it. Got a detailed report revealing a demand in the areas of Family, Nature and Math in the local cult market. I shall have to design my sales pitch around that.
Day Four
Woke early, and put down a deposit on an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of town to be the seat of my power. Slightly drab, but it will have to do for now. Borrowed and hocked some stuff from the unsuspecting neighbours to pay for it, bless their souls. Recorded their contribution in the margin of The Sacred Notebook of the One True Quadrilateral ($1.99 from H-Mart), which is growing steadily thicker by the day.
No luck on the follower front, so I called the hotline listed in Your Own Cult In A Week for the free sample. Got put in touch with a lady who is... not quite right in the head. Our phone correspondence has at least cured my writer's block - I attribute the chapter on purple soft toys invading the mortal realm through the dumpster at 71st Street down to her. Damn, recording the will of the gods is tough work.
Day Five
Finally lured a few hippie chicks after spouting some Gaea rubbish [Note to self: include more Mama Nature leanings in the notebook]. It probably helped that being a hamster gave me additional credibility for this angle. I wish they would lay off on the cheek-pinching and "you're so cuuuute!" cooing, though.
Am filled with confidence for the future. Have no doubt that my cult will be a standout. You lot are welcome to join the winning team anytime. Continuing with recruitment now.
Yours truly,
The MOST HIGH AND MUNIFICENT of the O.T.B.H.Q.O.S.S.,
HAM
Mr. Robo: "Oh my..."
Me: *shakes head* "This isn't over yet, not by a long shot."
