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Saturday, June 11, 2011 - 22:14 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Audience Granted


You may rise


Presenting Sir Ham Humperdinck McFarlane Montgomery Blythe Hussien Sigeberht Alphonsus Friedrich Raleigh Egerton Lethe the Fourth, Paramount Poobah, Grand Order of Girth, Member of the Collar of the Ribbon of the Chain of the Sash of the Sunflower Seed, Most Eminent Merit of Too Many Names to Remember, Star of Honey, Star of Star, Circle of Fur-Covered Lipids, Lord of This Room or The Other, Hammer of the Bipedals, Head of the Torso and Other Body Parts, Centre Forward of the Faith*, M.B.D.I.A., E.L.B.S.L.P.T., H.F.S.L.R.T.W.H.T.L.S.A.N.T.H.T.D.F., K.R.T.A.A.

*Acceleration 15, Jumping 13, Hidden Potential Ability -9

*waves tiny paw* But let us not stand on ceremony here, old bean, call me Mr. Ham H. Let if you please, eh? Though I must insist that the middle H be silent.

And as to how I achieved my station, dear friend, it is a long story, for little me anyway.

There I was, knocking up a wench in my former residence, when I was caught with my pants down. Or they would be down, if I had worn pants. Now I don't know about how it is here, but back there, cozying up to a chick was easy if they think you're ballin', which is one thing I do very well. Rolling up into a ball. And by chick, I also mean a hamster-chick, not a chick-chick, which would be in the next cage down, and which would be too scandalous, even for an aristocrat of my sitting, which is nearly three inches.

It appeared to be a premature end to my career and reputation (not to mention my boner), looking at how so many of my buddies were busted after similar exposes - Strauss-Kahnham, Schwarzenegham, Clintonham, Rooham, Terryham, Giggham, Woodsham, Kennedyham, Grantham, Edisonchenham, Jackneoham... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Then I realised that most of them lost neither job nor cred (alright, maybe a bit, especially if their new companion was ugly), and I relaxed a little.

That's what I was supposed to do - first you get the honey stars, then you get the power, then you get the chicks, amright? If I am to be honest, nine out of ten times the hams that are outraged are just angry that they couldn't pull it off, and the ones that shout the loudest are often the most in self-denial. Like ol' Haggardham, always going off about the evils of the chick-chicks, and then getting tattled on by a particularly fine Dutch Bantam. Hoo boy, that was funny.

And then I remembered all the overdue child support payments, and decided to make a run for it... only my bail bounced, and I got stuffed into a tacky classless transparent plastic container, the memory which shall haunt me till the end of my days. The shame! I didn't even have enough time to grab my favourite white winter coat.

But that was not to be the last of Sir Ham Humperdinck Lethe, no sir! Through complicated circumstances, I found myself Lord of the Manor of Half-Dragonham, three levels of fine country living, with a whole desk around it. Apparently some rich toff called Ham J. D. Burger had died and left it to a little runt around town. Well, let's just say that I had a few words with my boys, and he ended up giving an inheritance instead of receiving one. It's nearly the same thing, isn't it? Oh, so it wasn't that complicated after all. I apologize.

Anyhow, my pa always told me I had royal blood in me. My ma would then say that it would be far more impressive if a hamster didn't have any at all, given our convoluted family trees, but then pa would tell ma to go get him a honey star. Learnt a lot from my pa, I did.

Now, there was a quite hilarious guy next door, looks like a Roborovski, who calls himself Robo W. White something or other, and insisted that he was the Senior Partner or somesuch. I didn't recall requesting any entertainment yet - you certainly can't get a good bunga-bunga going out here, bless their little puritan souls.

Suddenly, I figured it all out - he was the butler! Never heard of a gentleham without one, he probably comes with the estate. That explains the eccentricity, but I don't mind, my new-found pals tell me it's all the rage. I think he's likely a superhero in his spare time or something, and is merely keeping up a front. I certainly shan't blow his cover, it's the least I can do.

My goodness, look at the time! Sir Ham Humperdinck Lethe wishes to retire to his bed, toodle-do! Don't let me keep you.



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Next: The Book of Changes (Part I)


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