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Thursday, Dec 22, 2011 - 02:16 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

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Fare Thee Well Dear Leader

I, Mr. Ham, was reclining into my daily toil of salvaging souls in my official capacity of Most Glorious Grandpappy of the One True Blessed Holy Quadrilateral of Six Stars (I'm still deliberating as to what that blasted sixth star should stand for), when news most evil and foul reached my ears.

The Kim is dead!

I was struck dumb. The Kim Jong-il? Dead? Why, he was my personal hero - as well as the inspiration of countless Cult Leader wannabes - when we were all wet-behind-the-ears newbies at the trade. I mean, yes, there have probably been bigger cults, and older cults, but it is just so hard to feel a connection with those long-gone legendary Cult Leaders; But Kim - now, there was a flesh-and-blood exemplar of a successful modern-day Cult Leader, somebody we all could look up to and say, hey, if he can do it, why not us?


Have no fear; he who believeth in Kim shalt be saved from the Evil American Devil Empire and our misguided Southern brethen lapdogs!
All you have to do is to accept Kim with all your heart.
(Source: chinasmack.com)


Yes, as his detractors say, it helps to have a dad who was Cult Leader before you (some old-fashioned traditionalists insist on this technicality), but Kim still had to put in the legwork. Take it from a hamster who has won a regional Young Cult Leader of the Year Award, being a good one ain't easy, and the Dear Leader has managed to upkeep the highest standards of Cult Leadership for decades; As they say, getting to the top is relatively easy - it's staying there that's hard.

One of the things about him that got him so many fanboys among our kind is his wonderful blaséness about being known as one. Look at all those pretenders who, having deluded their first few dozen sheeple and scraped together enough to buy their first hovel, whine and cry and threaten to sue when the local rag suggests that they might be Cult Leaders (which, to be honest, they are). How insecure!

Look at Kim on the other hand - every few months or so, when his granaries go empty*, he will wave a couple of nukes about, and for all of Hamerica's might they still have to bow to him and ship snacks over for the Dear Leader. How many Cult Leaders nowadays have that sort of cojones? The sorry excuses for Cult Leaders we have over here are overjoyed at achieving tax-exempt status, in comparism. [*actually, that would be unbecoming; he usually waits until his faithful report that they can't find two blades of grass to rub together]


North Korea is Best Korea! It must be so because Kim say so!
What, you say you want proof?
Faith in the Writings of Kim not good enough for you, comrade?
(Source: knowyourmeme.com)


And when this happens, top newspapers around the globe will without exception splutter at the sheer cheek at it all, and in their recaps refer to his "personality cult", and Kim doesn't mind it at all! Shrugs it off like water off his back! It's about time one of us stood up to be counted, held his head up high and signals to the world that being a Cult Leader is something to be proud of, instead of resorting to cowardly misrepresentation. Kim was one of the few who did that.

This would be enough to earn him the highest regard in our community, but Kim was so much more! His achievements are legion, and can hardly be done justice in so few words, but I will throw out a selection just to hammer home how superb a Cult Leader he was.

Before anything else, he was a totally humble and down-to-earth fellow. Oh, there are lots of Cult Leaders who, having made it to the minor leagues, start going off about how they are the greatest of all time and angels did the polka when they materialised out of thin air and all that. Sure, there's little room in this business for understatement, but still. Now, Kim - despite being the anointed Son, all he claimed about his birth was that it was at a sort-of-consequential mountain, and he kept the mandatory accompanying portents down to a mere double rainbow. Such modesty! Such dignity!

On the social front, most Cult Leaders nowadays are reduced to getting followers to shun those who have (gotten smart and) turned away. Kim, on the other hand, is of the old school, having managed to get 100% Cult Participation in the population, which is something all Cult Leaders, myself of course included, dream of. At that mythical level, you don't have to exhort people to do Good Things any more; you have gone beyond that. At that stage, whatever you say is Good, is Good - for does it not all belong to Kim in the end?


Every morning I bow down to the picture of Kim and selfishly wish that I will be next in line to die so that I may be with Kim and serve Kim for ever in his Kimdom, but so far I have not had the honour to be chosen
(Source: openpandora.org)


It goes without saying that there is absolutely no compulsion in Cult membership - how could anybody want anything other than be a follower of Kim? Those who actually try to resign must be mad, but in the all-encompassing benevolence of Kim, the poor things will be well-catered for in his well-equipped re-education camps, where they can meditate upon the righteousness of Kim morning and night, according to strict schedules. Recalcitrants tend to have a small hole appear in the back of their head, but I feel that it is safe to state that at no point in time does any compulsion happen.

Despite keeping true to most of the best practices of old, Kim has also exhibited flexibility in moving with the times. Nowadays, stuff like moving bodies of water is old hat, and moreover all that water has to go somewhere. Nah, in his choice of miracles, Kim is as modern as they come, bowling a perfect 300 and getting five holes-in-one, both on his first attempt - which as far less skilled mortals like myself can attest to, is probably harder than controlled levitation. Kim also reportedly indulges in a bit of weather control when he's in the mood, almost as an afterthought.


Okay, he does the occasional ill-advised rip-off, but that doesn't detract from his overall awesomeness
(Source: chinasmack.com)


It is almost too much to hope that he is also a standout on the offensive front, but that is exactly what he is. No tiptoeing around matters of principle for Kim! Ah, for the days when men were real men and Cults were real Cults, and their followers went around lopping the heads of their enemies on the flimsiest of pretexts, just as commanded; now, you get lukewarm pansies who you can get to agree that, you know, the other Cults may be sort of right, but we are probably the most right... right? Man, these spineless backsliders are lucky not to have been born in the old days! Why Paradise in some misty hereafter, when one can have Paradise now?

No, Kim is not one of those nondescript jellies, punching well above his considerable weight; Pound-for-pound, he is perhaps the best propaganda outfighter of them all, and has never been afraid to headhunt even the superheavyweights.


This particularly fine example of unvarnished propaganda won Best Attack Ad at the 2004 Cultie Awards
(Source: life.com)


It is little known that Kim, a famous connoisseur of movies, has taken time off his extremely busy Cult Leader career to do cameos in selected films, but this he did, and by his grace the world will see more of his polymathic genius:


It caused an outroar when first revealed; how had nobody noticed?
The weather changing, nuclear brinkmanship and demands for One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS! was supposed to be a dead giveaway!
(Source: deathby1000papercuts.com)


But Kim has passed on, and I would have said that we will never see his like again, but we are blessed indeed:


Nothing more need be said
(Source: openpandora.org)


Being a great scholar (which goes without saying), Kim was prepared for his departure (itself a selfless sacrifice for his Choson people). As with his own Eternal Father before him, Kim has prepared the path for his only (suitable) begotten one, in particular paving it with a four-star generalship at the age of 27 (which obviously was obtained purely through the successor's own considerable merits, and even if not, is expected practice in hereditary Republics)

I am privileged to announce that he can count upon the full support of the Association of Cult Leaders, which without the patronage of his father, would not have risen to its current heights. Visionary, trailblazer, defender, sentinel - the late elder Kim was one of a kind.

The Kim is dead! Long live the Kim! All bow to the Kim!



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