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Sunday, June 26, 2011 - 18:59 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Mr Ham Shows Again


You couldn't wait, could you?


Howdy, pardners! the mr.ham show is back, after raising the readership of this blog to over 200 pageviews a day! Due to my excellent performance, I felt entirely justified in demanding more screen time from the owner of this media outlet, and if he refuses, well, I'll just take this here show elsewhere, and maybe buy over this crappy blog after I make it real big.

Today's episode is filmed on the ground floor of my palatial compound, and you may notice the king-sized portrait of my grandpappy I have put up in the background. Actually, I got it from a discount store yesterday, but it seriously looks like grandpappy, as far as I can remember.

We shall continue with a double dose of our hard-hitting, no-holds-barred dismantling of politically-correct falsehoods, but first, some letters from our readers on last week:

"I don't know how to thank you, Mr. Ham. You have opened my eyes to what is really going on out there."

"Incredible, simply incredible. You have a fan for life."

"You are my hero! I would love to rub your furry little tummy right now!"

...

Okay, okay, I wrote all this myself, but see, I'm not bullshitting you about it, yes? We trade in truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth on this show! Other media outlets might filter their correspondence to death, or get "friends of friends" or outright lackeys to submit what they want to publish, but not the mr.ham show! We simply make it up as we go along, but at least we don't lie to you about it!

Ahem.

Today's guest remains Mr. Paper Bag from last time, and he will continue the discussion where we left off.


Mr. Paper Bag: Thanks. Now, I have been asked whether the theories that I have stated are "original". Well, the answer is obviously bloody hell no, you idiots. How much of what is taught at the best universities is original in any sense? If I were the first guy to think all of this up, I would have committed suicide, since humanity would clearly be doomed.

So, where were we? Ah yes, The Decline And Fall Of Marriage. The Straits Times came out with the timely "Marriage rate drops to record low" this Thurday. I'm not sure whether the figures refer to Singaporeans or residents, since both terms were used, but in either case this supports my assertion.

But the most damning statistic came from Today: "The median age for... grooms (with primary or lower education) has shot up to 39.7 years from 30.3. In comparison, the median marriage age for women with such backgrounds increased from 25.1 years to 27.3."

Given that quite a number of these poor men probably resorted to bringing in foreign brides as they hit the big 40, while there was next to no effect on the marriageability of the women in the same socioeconomic class, it is evident that no money, no honey applies only to males.

And the thing is, nobody cares. If you're a man and you haven't made your pot of gold, it's your own fault.

Mr. Ham: It's not that different with us hamsters too, actually.

Mr. Paper Bag: See? But get me straight: I'm not blaming women, not at all. You might as well blame magpies for going after shiny stuff - it's simply their nature. As one expert in the area said, "Attraction is not a choice".

People cannot consciously choose whom to genuinely like. An obese lady might indeed have a bigger heart (among other internal organs) than a slim one, but that won't make the guys she wants like her. Note that when I say slim, please do not read it as "anorexic", like so many overweight girls do. However, men are usually at least straightforward about it, and an easy solution, which has the additional benefit of cutting the grocery bill, is at hand.

However, when girls say they just want a nice guy, quite often it means "a guy who is taller than average and owns his own home and car and is popular and professionally successful and dresses well and is witty and a bit of a jerk at times... and, oh, is nice to me". Aiming high is all well and good, but it may not work out on the macro level. Nowadays, in Westernized societies, what percentage of men are basically invisible to women in their twenties and thirties? A quarter?

Mr. Ham: Whoa, whoa, slow down there. One might imagine that female hypergamous tendencies would have existed since time immemorial. Why is there a problem only now?

Mr. Paper Bag: Well, for most of civilization, males have generally held higher status than females, as the economy and both personal and community defence were until fairly recently based upon physical stature. Unlike today, with the status bell curves of the genders close to overlapping, they were pretty far apart in the past. What this means that the vast majority of men were acceptable to the vast majority of women, whom may, you know, actually have been satisfied with this arrangement. But don't tell the feminists.

Mr. Ham: For the record, the mr.ham show does not endorse any statements made by its guests, and does not assume any liability in this respect, as agreed upon by the very fine print woven into the carpet.

And at this point, I would like to interrupt the discussion to invite a special guest whom will surely boost my ratings by tugging at the heartstrings. Mr. Fur is a disadvantaged ham who has formerly been employed as a rationalization hamster, one of the most dangerous occupations known to hamsterkind.

Despite the high mortality rate, impoverished hamsters often have no choice but to take up the job, and Mr. Fur here has just lost his colleague, Mr. Boo, after a workplace accident. We shall now show the security footage of the last moments of the brave Mr. Boo, who courageously saved Mr. Fur before meeting his heroic end:




Mr. Paper Bag: *Sniff*

*sniff*

...that was the most touching thing I've ever seen in my life.

Mr. Ham: I'm... I'm not crying, something got into my eye...

Mr. Paper Bag: *wahhhhhhhhhh*

Mr. Ham: I thin... think it's time for... a commercial break...


Get a hamster free with every box!


(five minutes later)

Mr. Ham: It appears that Mr. Bag is unable to continue, and we shall therefore have to end this episode here. For those of you whom are concerned about the plight of Mr. Fur and other rationalization hamsters, please call the above number to leave a small donation to us.

Mr. Fur also requests that viewers educate themselves about rationalization hamsters in memory of the late Mr. Boo, and save them from their backbreaking misery whenever possible by not supporting baseless but kind-sounding delusions manufactured by the fairer sex. For more information about this scourge, you may refer to this and this and this.



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