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Thursday, Nov 08, 2012 - 23:37 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Hard Ham Truths


Introductions

Mr. Ham: Righty, let's see what we have here. Looks a mixed bag. You there, the one not looking at me, whatcha's name?

*Unknown hamster squeaks, hides behind ham following him*

Front ham: There, you've gone and startled my master, Lord Ermine Pean Vair the Seventeenth. E's a sensitive soul.

Mr. Ham: And you are...

Front ham: Gentleham's gentleham at your service. Name's Heeves.

Mr. Ham: Heeves?

Heeves: We're all Heeves to his Lordship. E doesn't just talk to anybody, you know. Only his loyal servants, his family, and occasionally, himself. Very close-knit family, mind.

Mr. Ham: Great, another inbred aristocrat. No matter, we're taking anybody and everybody - who can pay - today.

Lord Vair: ...

Heeves: That means that His Lordship is most displeased.

Mr. Ham: Whatever. I take it that the next ham can speak for himself?

Next ham: Name's A. B. L. Chaser II, old boy. Barrister, solicitor, all-around Ham of Law. Got wind of this little diversion from my dear chum Esq. Sue O' Pants.

Mr. Ham: *pulls out some forms* Forgot I had these. Lord Vair, Mr. Heeves, Esq. Chaser... Mr. F. Rugg?

Mr. Rugg: *Big smile on face* That's me! Can't tell you how happy I am to be here!

Mr. Ham: I think I see your problem. Mr. I. E. Biz?

Mr. Biz: Present. Like, you know, the past is a gift, the future is... loaned? No, that's not it. Mortgaged? Doesn't fit either. Was it funny enough? Never mind.


All Action

Mr. Ham: Right. Let's get down to it. You know why you're here, I know why you're here, and I know why I'm here, which is for the betterment of hamkind while making a pile on the side. So for all our sakes, leave the pretty little lies at the door, or GTFO now. Have I made myself clear?

*Leafs through papers* Blow me, it's not looking good at all. Five hamsters, four advanced degrees, three million bucks, two successful startups, one hereditary title, and exactly zero lifetime satisfying intimate relations among this sorry lot.

Lord Vair: ...

Heeves: His Lordship disapproves of your tone. But in a most polite manner.

Mr. Ham: In, or out?

Lord Vair: ...

Heeves: His Lordship stays, under sufferance.

Mr. Ham: Good, in which case His Lordship drops ten.

Lord Vair: *in wisplike voice* I beg your pardon?

Mr. Ham: Ten push-ups. Decem. Diez. Dieci. Dix (heh). Excuse me. Or is His Lordship illiterate as well as inbred?

Lord Vair: Well, I never! Heeves, my cane!

Mr. Ham: *rolls up sleeves* I feel it fair to reveal that I have been waiting for this for a long, long time.

*A short scuffle and five minutes later*

Mr. Ham: (now in a sergeant-major's uniform, waving his new cane) I can't hear youse, you 'orrible, 'orrible hams! Louder!

Other hams in chorus: All done, sir!

Mr. Ham: I can't hear you! Do it again!

Other hams: Sir! Yes sir! At once, sir!

Mr. Ham: You there! Last to finish! Run and touch the wall and come back!

*No response as the hams try to figure out who was last*

Mr. Ham: Never mind, all of you touch the wall. Last one does it again.

*An hour passes in this vein*

Mr. Ham: *pacing* Well done, hams! You have made the first step towards being an asshole! WHAT DO YOU SAY?!

Other hams: *yelling in a near-frenzy, pumping fists* ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!

Me: Well, I see how you managed to build your own gang, as well as your own cult.

Mr. Ham: *shrugs* They're more similar than you might think. Myself, I prefer the gangsters. More honour, less deviousness. Well, time to let them cool down before the second part.


Asshole Philosophy

*The hamsters are clad in plain white robes, seated in a candle-lighted circle around an identically-dressed Mr. Ham*

Mr. Ham: Thus the mysteries shalt be reveale... Oh, heck. I'm just going to answer your dumb questions. Ask away.

Lord Vair: !!!

Me: !!!?

Mr. Ham: It's an improvement. Well, to answer your question: what is the ultimate nature of asshole-ness? Indeed, it has been known by many names, in many places. In the West, it was perhaps best described as the antithesis of vainglory, humility if you will, even if it does not seem cogent at first. Eastern thought corresponds more tightly. Detachment. Emptiness. No-self. All this is asshole, and asshole is all this. If you master asshole, if you are asshole, you master the world.

Meditate therefore upon asshole, such that you gain all that is.

*Mr. Ham closes his eyes and sweeps his head around, stopping at the first hamster to cross his inner sight*

Yes, Lord Vair, I can sense the question you would ask, if you were not such a coward at heart. You lack neither for resources or for suitors, but lack badly for love.

Even as their beautiful faces smile at you and your visage is reflected in their dilated eyes, you cannot help but wonder if they would be by your side if you were not Lord Vair, a name you did nothing to earn, sitting in a mansion you did nothing to build, surrounded by treasures you did nothing to gain.

To your credit, you knew the answer, which is why you are, wisely, still by yourself. You could so easily have been with her, your third cousin once removed, as so many Lord Vairs before you have done, or drifted into.

Oh, she was comely enough, sweet enough, and the heavens know, rich enough. But it would have happened just because you were there. Your circles ran together, her dad golfed - badly - with yours, your moms went to the same exclusive prep schools, you were introduced when it was deemed proper. It was expected. But despite not being afforded the least opportunity to develop a spine, you found enough within you to refuse. For that alone, I commend you.

Heeves: That's... that's outrageous!

Mr. Ham: But it is also true. And you, Heeves. What did you feel when the eyes of your master's fair hangers-on passed over you, as if you were not there, even as you brought the drinks, handsomely attired in full livery? Did you - with good reason, mind - wonder why you were not considered his equal as an eligible ham, even as you felt ashamed of thinking such of your master and best friend immediately after that?

Heeves: I... I...

Mr. Ham: Now you, Esquire Chaser. Having your own law practice, for which you worked stupidly long hours and raced headlong to many accident sites uninvited, you are articulate and well-versed in many skills besides. Yet you are frustrated. You are at the peak of your career, but like Lord Vair - whom you mildly resent for being Seventeenth to your mere II - you cannot help but feel like a bird in a gilded cage.

You could have your pick, mostly, but you are afraid. Your colleagues and their significant others are in their forties, and you fear what they will say if you revealed that you have no interest in their like. That what you really want is a pretty young thing to your taste, and just a pretty young thing, for her lips and her legs and her derriere, her breeding and brains be damned. You walk in terror of being judged, of hearing talk behind your back, of being (gasp) shallow. Am I right?

Esq. Chaser: ...I cannot deny it, sir. It is true. As is sometimes whispered in the chambers, if the Honourable Member cannot rise, the Court must be adjourned.

Mr. Ham: A most wise saying, for there are mistakes that are trivial, mistakes that are painful but impermanent, and mistakes that are permanent. That is one of those.

And next, Mr. Rugg. All know you as the Nice Guy. First to lend a helping hand, last to leave, always with a sunny smile. And yet here you are. Without exception, your female friends think of you as a brother, and when there's a leaky tap to be fixed, it's Dear Ruggie to the rescue, even as their other guy friends lie on the couch. My sources tell me you have a stack of letters basically saying "just not my type, but would be perfect for some lucky girlham". I'm not sure if you figured it yet.

Mr. Biz. Two startups. Fairly fat wallet. But also fairly fat elsewhere. Doesn't like to shower. Lame jokes. Wants 'em to like you as you are. Hasn't worked so far. But turned down a couple of homely hopefuls, if my records are straight.

Well, see, this is what I've been trying to get through to you thick lot. You're not nice guys. If you were, you would have gotten someone. She might be ugly, overweight, or even - heaven forbid - feminist... but she would be someone.

Instead, you chose to reject that idea, to reject those thousands and thousands of effortless someones. Because you have standards. Because you are asshole.

Welcome to the club.


Secret Dance

*Long silence*

Mr. Rugg: That was... mind-altering.

Mr. Ham: And on the long-winded side. As time's nearly up, I will just teach you all the secret asshole dance before you leave. You can then use it to greet fellow assholes in the manner of a secret handshake, or to enter the proper-asshole frame of mind whenever you feel your discipline slipping.

Mix and match your own moves from the video below, heck, make up your own ones. The tune is the original version of Gangnam Style, called Gangham Style, which I developed with my underworld buddies, before it got stolen by some Korean. Simply substitute all the words for ASSHOLE, and you're done.

Me: Hey, that's an asshole accusation to... oh.

Mr. Ham: Quick learner, this human.



(Source: knowyourmeme.com)


Lord Vair: ..!

Heeves: His Lordship says that he feels stupid doing this, and I must say I agree.

Mr. Ham: ...And for added motivation, we have Alizee being screened too.

Lord Vair: !!!!!!

Heeves: His Lordship has changed his mind about dance.


Wrap Up

*Some minutes later, Mr. Ham claps twice solemnly*

Mr. Ham: Well, first lesson's over, till next time, y'all.

Me: Impressive Day One. I noticed that you left out Mr. Robo, though.

Mr. Ham: Well, even in a field of hopeless schmucks, he's in a class of his own.

Mr. Robo: What do you mean? I just received my certified world record (hamster category) for getting kicked in the groin! I think that deserves some consideration.

Mr. Ham: I rest my case.

Me: He badly needs some protection.

Mr. Ham: Whatever, on to the elections, Obama's won as predicted, but by a larger margin than Herr Ahm expected. Didn't expect nearly all the battleground states to go to him. I'm beginning to be convinced of the power of data.

Me: And almost no difference was made. I've got to say that Romney sounds almost decent when he speaks on topics that he actually believes in, some even sensible. Too bad he went all empty suit when it mattered.


It was an awkward coalition to begin with for the Reds
(Source: fark.com)


Now that the big show is over, hopefully the Americans will get stuck in together, since they really aren't all that different after all:


You hear that, you commie?
(Source: dailykos.com)




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