Powered by glolg
Display Preferences Most Recent Entries Chatterbox Blog Links Site Statistics Category Tags About Me, Myself and Gilbert XML RSS Feed
Friday, Dec 14, 2012 - 02:33 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

- -
Late Breaking News

Me: I wasn't expecting to have a new post so soon, but this is simply too big to pass up on.

Mr. Robo: I'll say. I always wanted to meet him, he's a legend in hamster circles.

Me: He should be here any moment n... what the...

*The lights suddenly go off, and thick smoke billows into the room*

Mr. Robo: Oh no! Is it a fire?

*A stout figure slowly walks into the middle of the room*


(Original source: flickr.com)


Me: Maybe he thinks he deserves a grand entrance, but this is verging on ridiculous.

Mr. Robo: *squinting* Wait, it doesn't even appear to be him.

*The newcomer clears his throat, and begins softly*

Ladies and gentlemen, he comes from the most exalted literati circles of Hamburg! Born with a quarto copy of Machiavelli's Il Principe in his cheek pouch, he devoured the classics of antiquity in his infancy, humbled the masters of rhetoric in his youth, and ascended to a state of electioneering omniscience before coming of age. His glittering record speaks for itself:

*Announcer pulls a sheet of paper from his breast pocket*

He called the winner of the Presidential election, to within three percent. He narrowed down the range of adjustment in ministerial salaries, to less than two percent. He named the outcome of the Hougang by-election, and indeed described the entire proceedings beforehand, to inside one percent! All the while explaining exactly why events transpired as they did, with immaculate and irrefutable pure logic.

*Announcer's voice begins to rise*

Political correctness throws itself off a cliff in the piercing sight of his eyes; pretty falsehoods quiver and bow in his august presence; entrenched idiocy and premeditated dishonesty all choke uncontrollably when he passes.

*Announcer's voice crescendoes to a peak*

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am deeply honoured to present to you today: Teller of Truths, Slayer of Sophistry, the Bludgeoner of Bullshit, the Conqueror of Claptrap, Padishah Pengiran of Political Prediction, Certified Master Political Analyst, Heeerrrrrr Aaaahhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmm!

*Ominous music begins*



*Herr Ahm enters*

Herr Ahm: Vell, vot zu ziew think?

Me: Did you really have to play the entire Imperial March before waddling in?

Herr Ahm: Vai zense ze human Philistine zot appreciate ze grandeur zor ze aesthetic.

Me: And what's with the terrible and not even near authentic accent, when you've managed faultless English on your earlier appearances?

Herr Ahm: Ze human slow. Ven, vai voz wunknon. Vai vould zot zat hired zif kliens vould zot wunderstand ve. Zow, vai zot reputation. Zis havy zan nir-zunintelligible accent vonly zerves zu zunderscore vai value! Vai ken zo zon zike zis for hours, zan interviewers vould ve zunablle zu transcribe me, vat zoso mortified zu admit zit! Zis fricken hilarious, vo?

Me: ...

Mr. Robo: *unable to control himself any longer* Herr Ahm! I... I'm one of your biggest fans!

Herr Ahm: Vai noe a klever amster ven vai zee wun.

Mr. Robo: Umm, sorry, but what did you just say?

Herr Ahm: *sighs* I said, I know a clever hamster when I see one.

Me: He's Mr. Robo G. Grey, one of our foremost technical specialists. Recently, he's been involved in some, uh, self-improvement, and he was hoping that you might show him the ropes of political analysis, for his personal development.

Mr. Robo: Yes, yes! Mr. Ham said you are a top teacher!

Herr Ahm: Voos dis "Mr. Ham" fellow?

Mr. Robo: Come to think of it, he looks uncannily similar... no, exactly like you! If you didn't have that imposing moustache, and were not wearing that bowler hat, that is.

Herr Ahm: *solemnly* He sounds like an absolutely incredible fellow. My opinion on these matters is seldom wrong.

Mr. Robo: But something just doesn't click... ah! I know!

Herr Ahm: *suddenly concerned* ...what?

Mr. Robo: You're his... long lost brother!

Herr Ahm: *relaxes* No, no, that's not possible. I was born in Germany, and my parents were so in awe of me that they were unable to ever repeat their prodigious feat of creation. But I'd certainly not mind meeting Mr. Ham someday.

Me: Well, let's let him get on to business. He's billing by the minute.

*Herr Ahm studies the brief placed before him for a few minutes longer than absolutely necessary*

Herr Ahm: Ohhh, I get it. Another of your Members has been involved in a... shooting accident. Don't like euphemisms at all myself, but this one's got pedigree.

Me: I believe the official term this time is "grave mistake".

Herr Ahm: Ah, the poor man. I can just see the headlines - "Speaker should have kept to Ms. Palmer and his five daughters". Say, he doesn't actually have five daughters, does he? And his wife's not named Rosie, by any chance? Because that would be just too rich.

Me: It's Diane, he has one son, and the tabloids here leave much to be desired in terms of adventure. A spooky coincidence has surfaced, though, and there have been lots of facepalms in cyberia.

Herr Ahm: Well, let's get to the bottom of this. *continues flipping through printout*

Ah, the pieces are coming together. Another victim of a sad and common malady. A real silent killer.

Me: Huh?

Herr Ahm: *shakes head* In academia, it has become known as postmaritus expandus expandus. A truly brilliant interdisciplinary theory uniting such dispartite fields as medicine, psychology and philosophy, it has been suppressed by tyrannical administrators, but research into it has been carried on by scattered brave souls.

Affecting mostly females, statistical regression suggests that the vector of transmission is the "wedding dress", but the exact interaction is not yet known. Common side effects include male depression, erectile dysfunction, and suppression of libido, leading eventually to unrestrained infidelity. While this looks like a very mild case, those with naturally lower resistance will still be adversely affected. I am truly sorry.

Mr. Robo: Hey! I think I understand what you're implying, and that's... frankly not very nice. And I don't think it's like that.

*Herr Ahm looks quizzically at Mr. Robo*

Herr Ahm: *chanting* Two-plus-two-equals-five! Three-plus-three-equals-seven! Four-plus-...

Me & Mr. Robo: Huh?

*Herr Ahm puts down his cigar*

Herr Ahm: *narrows eyes* Oh, I'm sorry. After hearing what you had to say, I could only conclude that you had started a game of "Let's All Start Lyin'!", and as you have witnessed, I'm not the most creative hamster in this respect. I am a political analyst, not a politician, after all.

Let me tell you something, kiddo. I am not concerned with what is nice. I am not concerned with what is kind. I am not concerned with what is popular. I am, and have always been, concerned with what is true. Now, I don't like the conclusion that I have arrived at - not at all. I do not condone his actions either. And yet it is true, in my best professional opinion. Since it is also relevant, by my principles, it had to be said.

*Herr Ahm sighs and takes a deep puff*

Look, I'm assuming you're not paying me fifty bucks a minute to sit on my ass and lie to you. I would hate that, and you really want a consultant or clinical psychologist for that. And frankly, this sort of thing wears on the soul. You start with one white lie, to "protect feelings", and sure as day follows night, you'll be drawn into another. And another. Then they get bigger. And then everyone is stuck in the mire together.

Small wonder why so many politicians turn to vice, really - lying non-stop is often part of the job. And they have to smile when doing it. Ever imagine how it is like to, upon waking up each day, experience your mouth opening and closing, and hear strange sounds emanating from your body, forming words that you don't believe in, as if controlled by a malicious external entity? It seriously decays the spirit from within.

Me: Well, you're one heck of an asshole, Herr Ahm.

Herr Ahm: Correction - an asshole who's right.

Me: But you do have a point. Which is why, in many situations, I don't like to say anything at all.


Let's square with each other like real man and ham, okay?


Herr Ahm: *nods* A well-advised choice.

Me: And maybe, since, as you said, you're on fifty a minute, perhaps you could get going.

Herr Ahm: Fine, it's getting stuffy in here. To the Member's credit, it was a relatively clean break - news received by the incumbent party on December 8, resigned that night, in contrast to your other bobo shooter who hasn't actually admitted to an affair even till today.

The part I don't get is how the focus, by many incumbent supporters, came to be on what has been played up to be almost heroism for having the guts to own up... after the scandal broke. Confessing after being caught red-handed has, to the best of my knowledge, never been a particularly strong mitigating factor.

It has been a field day for opposition lovers, who gleefully pointed out that the incumbents had eaten their own foot after accusing the Workers' Party of letting Hougang down in the previous saga. To their credit, they did quickly admit that they had let the residents of Punggol East down too. Hearteningly, Mr. Low Thia Khiang displayed political maturity in praising the departed Speaker on one hand, while also immediately calling for a by-election on the other.

And here's where the implications of the constitutional law case verdict, where "shall be filled by election" was ruled not to mean what it sounds like it should mean - but no surprises there - comes in. No prizes for guessing the official incumbent statement either:

"The Constitution does not require me to call a by-election within any fixed timeframe. I will carefully consider whether to call a by-election in Punggol East and, if so, when. I assure Singaporeans that I will make my decision based on what is best for the constituents of Punggol East and the country."

Any thoughts?

Mr. Robo: I think there has been an unfortunate omission - the words "but above all, best for the party" are missing.

Herr Ahm: *admiringly* Not bad, you're learning fast.

Me: Also, it's kind of an empty statement. There will be a by-election. The fearful symmetry with the previous scandal is nearly too much to bear, and the SDP were on the mark when they ventured that holding one was the only way the incumbents could stem the loss of moral authority, but you won't hear their supporters admitting that openly, of course.

Herr Ahm: I concur. This is the type of social justice that exists deep in your primate brains, the sort that even monkeys can recognize for what it is, and which no amount of contrived law can appease. I do sort of admire thick-skinnedness, which your incumbents are justly famous for, but this is a bridge too far even for them.

It would have been refreshing if the guy in charge had just put his hand down and said, look, we're sorry, and we'll hold the election this date or that date. But not much changes around here, national conversations notwithstanding. My personal advice would have been to show decisiveness, especially since picking a date frankly doesn't take long - and actually, I think he already has a fairly good idea of when it will be - but what image he wants to project is ultimately his own choice.

I'll say it will probably take a fortnight, maybe a month, of fevered speculation, before the Path Of Optimal Goodness For The Nation is revealed, perhaps in a dream. As the incumbents probably haven't gotten more popular since the last election, especially in recent months with your world-class public transportation, I wouldn't put it past them to drag it as long as they can without appearing too shameless.


And do I have a campaign theme for the Hammers
...Innocence lost and a demon within/
Forgive me father, yes i have sinned...


There have been a few differing foretellings by your human experts, but I will stick my neck out and have it around mid-March, during the school holidays, or early April next year, as they would really look like assholes if they waited for much longer than the precedent set. I do support proper assholism, by the way.

And now for the bad news for you opposition people - I don't think the incumbents will end up losing this one, whatever Yahoo! says.

Me: Oh?

Herr Ahm: I just tell the truth as I see it. From the records, our courageous confessor garnered 54.54% of the vote, to 41.01% for the WP candidate, and 4.45% to a hopeful participant in the democratic process.

Again, one at a time - how many parties will throw their hat in the ring? Well, the SDP has, as mentioned, called for a by-election to be held, but as far as I know they have not implied that they would participate, some ill-advised online calls for Dr. Chee to make his comeback in the graveyard of incumbent moral high ground notwithstanding.

Neither has the hopeful participant given any indication of wanting a second go, which is good for all concerned on the opposition side. The Reform Party, or more comprehensively The Person Who Is The Reform Party, is supposedly "strongly considering" making a move, but perhaps they - he? - should heed the concerns of the responders on his Facebook page. Which is mostly please don't split the vote again.

So I see a two-way, PAP vs WP BE II.

I'm not as confident about the candidates, but there's a high chance that the stand-in will be the incumbents' choice, if only for the reason that pulling him for another person will naturally raise some questions. Expect the Punggol East supply of abalone porridge to suddenly explode in the near future. Similarly, there is a good chance that the WP will stick to their GE selection.

Which I don't think will be quite enough. After extremely complex simulations, my model gives 52±3% for the PAP, and 48±3% for the WP - there is a chance, though pretty slim, that the WP can take advantage. Ten, maybe twenty percent. They'll probably keep nearly all their votes, and claim most of the former SDA ones, but then they'll still need a 5% swing, which I don't exactly see coming.



comments (0) - email - share - print - direct link
trackbacks (0) - trackback url


Next: Many Subjects


Related Posts:
Circling About
Rare Sightings
And There Were Four
Credit Where Due
Another New Beginning
Back to top

Copyright © 2006-2025 GLYS. All Rights Reserved.