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Saturday, Dec 15, 2012 - 19:49 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Many Subjects

Today paper, main headline, 15 December:
"Aljunied-Hougang receives red rating in S&CC arrears"

Today paper, second headline, 15 December:
"PA explains decision to reveal woman's identity"
[A far more plausible explanation]
[And does anybody believe the PAP and PA are separate?]

Today paper, Page Four, 15 December:
"Many residents aren't thinking of a by-election yet; they're still in shock over the loss of an MP who was clearly popular"
[Unpublished opinion]



New Record Set

Mr. Ham: *chortling* Well, blow me! Every time I'm certain that the local press has discovered the maximum theoretical possible level of lapdoggishness, they manage to plumb new depths of incorrigibility!

Me: It's not even the unfairness that gets me as much as the humiliating ham-fisted clumsiness - tantamount to openly insulting the intelligence of those that remain of their readers.

Mr. Ham: I take offence at your negative usage of "ham".

Me: I apologize, it was unintended.

Mr. Ham: You know what's the best way to have your virtue recognized in Singapore? That's right, have an affair! Within hours, you will have your pick of ministers, community leaders and, uh, carefully selected citizens falling over themselves to praise your personality, talent, integrity, diligence and honour to the high heavens! Only works if you belong to the right party, though. It doesn't quite make sense, but it sure works.

I do understand if mango vendors are sticking by him, though.



And let's be honest, we shouldn't be too surprised - why do guys work towards achievement and power? To a large extent, for the babes, of course! Take the upfront MP from Thailand who admitted that if his party enforced a rule against mistresses, they would instantly lose about 170 of their 200-plus representatives.

Me: I'm going to keep my mouth shut, because if not, what's coming out will be extremely impolite. They're trying way too hard. Couldn't they simply clamp up, if they can't figure out how to spread propaganda in a subtle fashion?

Mr. Ham: No, no. It's alright to laugh. The editors are practically pulling on a clown costume and prancing about. They're asking for it! Which is a good time to introduce my Asshole of the Week:


笑他弱智,笑他扮嘢,笑他愚蠢,笑他可爱,笑他他妈的无能呀!
[N.B. He had very good reason, actually]


Me: *smiles* Nah, that would still be wrong. But somehow, so, so exquisitely appropriate.

Mr. Ham: You're really too well-mannered.

Me: Heh, but not tame enough to stop hiring you and Herr Ahm to speak here. I can't deny that what Herr Ahm says is mostly true, but it could perhaps still get me into trouble.

Mr. Ham: Huh? No, you have misunderstood Herr Ahm.

Me: Hmm?

Mr. Ham: Herr Ahm actually admires the current human Top Leader of this land. It's a hard job. He further admires the Top Leader's father a lot. *puffs on cigar* I speak as a Gang Leader and a Cult Leader - you just can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Top Leader's father did some... questionable deeds, but with some savoir faire, and was skilful enough to leave minimal collateral damage.

Yes, some honourable men and women got locked up for a long time, probably unnecessarily, but let's be realistic, over several decades, it's not too bad if that was the worst of it. Not to belittle their great sacrifice, of course, but that's how it is.

Therefore, Herr Ahm tells the truth as the highest mark of his respect, if only because the alternative is to smile and say things that are easy on the ear, and for that Herr Ahm admits he is no match for the sweet ladies who can be found at nightclubs, and they always beat him at scissors-paper-stone besides. Positive Chinese whispers is the bane of leaders.

Me: What's that?

Mr. Ham: Consider an organization composed of many layers of hierarchy, and say that it's not looking too good at the bottom. Will the heads of the bottommost layer report the situation as it is? Well, likely they are going to honey it up a bit, because they want to look good, maybe because they're really nice-guy team players, and because few people like the bearer of bad news, even if it is absolutely true.

This then propagates up the layers of command, till the fellows at the top get the sense that all is well and they're hot stuff. Oh, sure, they may have a dim sense of what's happening, since they've probably done the same thing when they were rising through the ranks, but let's just say it's tough to compensate for that effect even with foreknowledge.

Indeed, history tells us that leaders who have prospered share one overwhelming commonality: they prized advisors who told them the truth, unpalatable as it may have sounded, and whenever they began to surround themselves with flatterers and nice polite yes-men, and envy and avoid those with insight apparently superior to, but more usually actually complementing theirs, it was the beginning of the end.

Me: Ah, Ju, Yue, Wen, Cicero... so many who that died that others could hide from the truth.

Mr. Ham: Which is, incidentally, why installing puppets in the media to act as the ipso facto voice of the people is so self-defeating - those whom you manage to genuinely take in, will largely happen to be those whom you don't want or need.

Me: You sound strangely like Herr Ahm.

Mr. Ham: Really? He must then be some hamster indeed. But this is the obvious interpretation of what's happening. It's my impartial view, as I have nothing more than a passing curiosity in the situation - the Cult and Gang business models have been around for long before parliamentary politics, and we generally have no trouble with whoever appears to be in charge as long as they play ball with us.

But it's frankly not all doom and gloom for your Top Leader. He is, and I say this without reserve, a very intelligent man, and his party retains massive momentum from their glory days; I daresay that if he gets his loyal followers to stop treating people like idiots with their constant stream of illogical policy justifications that can usually be far more cleanly explained by some combination of face-saving and self-gratification, the people will gladly return the favour.


Let us put our hands together, and hope he does the right thing



Just Carry On

Me: Well, what you just said ain't pretty, for sure.

Mr. Ham: Eh, I don't admire your Top Leader the job. From my own experience, it's tricky enough being a Cult Leader of self-selected gullibles who seriously believe that they are set for the afterlife if they are willing to agree that others, who objectively behave as well as they do, are denied it. Even if most of them don't actually believe it, it's kind of a depressing place to hang around, so I usually head straight for the Gang Hall after collecting the weekly subscription fee nowadays.

Furthermore, it's beginning to get expensive nowadays. One of my colleagues has resorted to hiring a hot-shot lawyer from overseas, after it began to look likely that he would be found guilty - which he is, frankly, come on - and have his profits confiscated. Cost of doing business. I'm beginning to reconsider whether the whole Cult Leader gig is worth the trouble, what with how unsatisfying the fundamentals are.

Myself, I'm sticking to fast cars.


Imported from Japan


Me: I see you dug up the Ray Stinger I just completed.

Mr. Ham: No, it's mine now. Bought it off an... agent I just met, paid all in cash, and lost the receipt. I have engaged Esquire Pants to fight the dispute in court if I have to.

Me: *sighs* How about I just lend it to you full-time, and get it back only when I want to race it?

Mr. Ham: Deal!


Loud music not included


Me: You might appreciate the LEDs I installed, when you're out cruisin' with your gang buddies.

Mr. Ham: Very considerate of you.

Me: Take good care of her, she's all souped up - hex bearings, narrow one-way wheels, rear dampers, special gearings, gold-plated terminals, ball-race rollers, plasma dash motor with aluminium support and pinion, the whole works. All painted up too, it's a pity that the markings will probably get messed up when I begin to tune her for practical performance.

Mr. Ham: Don't worry, I can take care of that for you. Just kidding, she's a sweet ride.

Me: Seems like the bug's bitten my cousin too, and he wound up getting four Avante variants. Granted, it may be the classic, but it may get hard to tell them apart.

Mr. Ham: *revving engine* What's that? Can't hear you!


I like the other present you got me from Japan too




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