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Sunday, Feb 19, 2012 - 01:08 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

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Circling About

Plans for an abbreviated update have been scuppered due to the many happenings this week, which has forced me to shell out for the increasingly-expensive Herr Ahm's services. The first couple of months of the year has never been kind to my wallet, not helped by Chicken Katsudon at Ichiban Sushi (but, for ten bucks, that was well worth it)

Herr Ahm (happily counting his banknotes): Ich bin froh, mister menschlichen, not to say more dignified than ever! I do take Bitcoin bills too, if you've got any of those lying about *money disappears into his cheek pouch*

Me: I'm skint. After paying you, anyway.

Herr Ahm: Alright, let it not be said that Herr Ahm does not give his money's worth. But first a bit of small talk to start off. On the subject of last week's blog post, I as a frequent visitor to Hamerica can say that they are formidable at innovation; who can forget the (unfortunately doomed) XFL and the rather more stable demand for cute girls chasing balls in revealing outfits, even as the rest of the politically-correct world twiddles their collective thumbs over such an indisputable contribution to the sporting cause?

But this time, they have outdone themselves. Presenting Ultimate Tazer Ball:



Getting sideswiped by a car or gored by a bull in football is so 1970s, people! There's nothing like tens of thousands of volts of electricity (or proportionate loss of salary) to motivate top-drawer performances. I've written in to suggest that the referees be armed with cattle prods, and perhaps they could even work in some cars and bulls in important matches.

Me: ...should I be ashamed to admit that I would watch it?

Herr Ahm: *pats shoulder* We all have our little weaknesses. I'm a ham of the world, I've seen it all.

Me: As it happens, a religious group at university hasn't been too pleasant in exhorting their members to do that. I was originally torn over commenting about it after the Provost circulated a private missive on religious harmony to staff and students about it, but since it has made its way to the national news I suppose it's fair game.

Herr Ahm: Wait, let me have a guess - the group's called something roughly equivalent to Madrasah Jihad For Allah?

Me: Wow. How did you know?

Herr Ahm: Just a hunch. Wouldn't have believed it, like, how might that possibly cause any offence at all? Silly humans nowadays are so overly sensitive. Let me see... they merely noted that some other country is a place of "little true joy" because a competing religion is bigger there.


If she continues like that... sigh
[N.B. And why is Buddhism referred to in full and not as "B", when another creed is mysteriously codeworded as "M"?]
(Source: alvinology.com)


Pah! That's nothing! When I... I mean, Mr. Ham speaks to my... I mean his, followers, he always makes sure to sow suspicion towards outsiders, as is standard practice. That kid who doesn't belong to our very specific faith trying to be friendly? Don't be taken in, even if he has a spotless record of upstanding behaviour - he only looks happy, he is tormented by evil within! He must have been sent by the Duck One to corrupt your immortal soul! Keep well away!

Me: Don't you mean the Dark One?

Herr Ahm: Racist trite. Mr. Ham is a much more imaginative theologican than you give him credit for.

Me: ...never mind. Still, as it turns out, their parent organization has rebranded themselves as "Cru" only half a year ago, which lends itself to multiple possible suffixes and therefore should emit a more benign vibe.

Herr Ahm: Let me get this right - an organization has a name composed of four words, three of which are positive or neutral, and one which might have a problematic history. The obvious thing to do, then, is to discard the three blameless words and chop the controversial one in half?

Me: Well, it's their choice. Personally, I would be more impressed by concrete virtuous deeds such as handing out roses to Ladies of Negotiable Affection (Short-Term Specialists) on Valentine's Day - though this does beg the question of whether such gestures are diminished if done by practitioners of other religions, or is the karmic balance adjusted only if one worships at the correct places?

Herr Ahm: That was rhetorical, right? Say what you will, Mormons are at least forgiving about second chances, and this spirit of generosity might be why one of their number is at the head of the line for a shot at the Presidency. Myself, I subscribe to the truism that No News is Good News.

Me: I hope that they will in the future constrain themselves to impugning evolution, paleontology and science in general, like certain other religious groups on campus; theories don't have feelings to hurt, after all - except maybe non-ecclesiastical primates aspiring towards upwards taxonomic mobility, but they can't write in to the press, so no concerns there.

Herr Ahm: Enough with the chit-chat, and on to the Big News: The Workers' Party has expelled their MP for Hougang after the latter has reportedly repeatedly refused to account for his extra-marital activities to either the party leadership or the public, and has in fact, in the colourful local vernacular, run road already.

While it has been suggested that he could have come clean and very likely be exonerated by his constituents in due time, further thought reveals that the matter would not be so simply resolved - it would be one thing if his paramour were single and he retained the support of his wife (which it seems he has), but if news that she is herself married, and now pregnant, is true, our Casanova would have at least one severely pissed husband to contend with. Given that his position would then be untenable, a swift and permanent disappearance might be best for all concerned.


"Amateur"
(Source: dailymail.co.uk)


Me: But doesn't he at least owe his supporters the courtesy of an apology?

Herr Ahm: That's not quite how it works in the local context, the market rate for blubbering on national television is only if the entire country is concerned. Self-imposed exile is, I feel, a fair penalty, there is no need for the issue to escalate into something that everybody would regret, especially as the indiscretion was ultimately of a personal nature.


Is it not enough, my Lord?
(Source: mangafox.com)


Of more lasting interest is that this was a spectacular move by the Workers' Party, who are now again free to thump away at the incumbents without fear of being immediately hauled up for hypocrisy, an especially valuable chip to have in hand with the recent spate of corruption cases.

Not that the incumbents are eager to help the people out, as is only to be expected, but as Herr Ahm, Master Political Analyst, I shall gaze into my crystal ball and lay out the future that I see, for the record:

  • By-election within about four months (by the end of June)
  • The PAP sends their GE candidate, Mr. Desmond Choo
  • The WP sends one of their party elders
  • Other opposition parties stay well clear
  • The WP retains Hougang with 63±3% of the vote

Me: And how did you figure that out?

Herr Ahm: One step at a time. Hougang has long been a WP stronghold, and allegiances simply do not switch that quickly (see the case of Potong Pasir). While Yaw may have let the residents down, the situation can be analogized to the son of a business owner screwing things up - as long as Daddy's still around, it doesn't matter, everyone knows that Daddy will fix things (which might happen to apply elsewhere in local politics...); longtime MP and party leader Low Thia Khiang remains the man there.

Given this, who can the PAP send to contest the ward? Almost all their biggest guns are tied down, with the only available option who is unambiguously of ministerial calibre being George Yeo, but somehow I don't think he is exactly jumping at this opportunity. More importantly perhaps is that even a Deputy Prime Minister or higher might not - make that probably would not - win, given that there is a 30% gap to overcome, which would make for added humiliation.

Additionally, sending in a heavyweight who has basically zero connection with the area on short notice would naturally feel like high-handed pulling of rank, and I see no logical choice other than their GE candidate, who at least has been around the block.

The Workers' Party has more options in this matter, as I believe that most, if not all, their potential candidates would have had walked the ground for a long time. The exact identity of their choice would not even matter all that much, given that they have a proven brand and support network behind them, so I shall not attempt a prediction in this respect.

Slightly disappointingly, many of the other opposition parties played coy in declaring their interest, though most of them thankfully wised up eventually (though not without some sniping). The bottom line is that even a blind hamster can tell that none of them have any hope of winning in this scenario, and the scene has already seen enough of "many people are behind me" for a long, long time. Butting in would not only be insidious and vindictive, which might be forgiven in politics, but completely stupid and pointless, which should not be.

As for the final percentage of votes, numerous factors have been bandied about that might have an impact - Disappointment towards Yaw, the WP's initial silence and the fact that the WP already has captured Aljunied could tilt things one way, while the WP's decisive motion to expel Yaw, corruption scandals, transport and flooding problems etc and the sense that nothing has really changed despite General Election promises, the other way. Basically, I see them mostly cancelling out, and therefore the final result should not vary too much.

Me: This all sounds plausible.

Herr Ahm: Like, duh, I am the Herr Ahm after all. Break for tea and crumpets, shall we?



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