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Saturday, Oct 27, 2012 - 23:20 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

The Week After

Mr. Ham: So, how's fighting the fight, running a good race, and finishing it gone for you? Then again, you probably walked most of it.

Me: Yes, go on, rub it in, you little bastard. It wasn't as bad as I expected, though, likely since I had done all I could reasonably have.

Mr. Ham: That "reasonable" part will be your undoing someday. C'mon, smile, you've now won as many Tour de Frances as Lance Armstrong. And eh, even the newspapers want you to cheer up. Look at the headlines: "Scenarios of Singapore's future - in an interactive play".

Me: Ok, that was kind of funny - they went from figurative wayang to literal wayang this time. But give chance lah, they have also actually set a target of raising the total fertility rate to about 1.4 or 1.5, which while far from sufficient, is probably all that we can realistically aim for. Four of the ten years for which I predicted a TFR of at most 1.5 have passed, and from the looks of it, I will be proved right yet again.

Mr. Ham: Heh, if they would spend less time "promoting the joys of family" and throwing up other smokescreens, and more time actually making it easier to get a place to bunk, far more progress would be made. Or they could just outright fine people for not reproducing. You know they want to.

Well, seeing as how leaders often get the smackdown after being turfed out - one of my great inspirations, Mr. Berlusconi, is only the latest in a line that includes Chirac, Arroyo, Estrada, Tymoshenko and Bo, among countless others, the sudden urgency might be seen as warranted.

The ghost of Mr. Robo: To be fair, the matching problem, now covered in introductory graduate computer science courses, among other places, has proven worthy of a Nobel. Also, the S-League fine has to be seen in relation to the initial subsidies, though frankly I don't quite see the point - someone's got to finish last whatever happens.

On the second point, funding may in fact have something to do with Singapore football's woes. I have in my possession figures that indicate that the national team is funded to the tune of S$8 million, compared to S$35 million for Malaysia, and well over S$100 million for Japan, China and Indonesia, and would appreciate confirmation on these numbers.

Me: Mr. Robo! Ah, on that, it does seem more approachable than the physics one. Which reminds me, the Chaos In The Old World sessions hosted by tpk at the Quantum Cafe went rather smoothly, with the help of a whiteboard to track corruption, instead of using the actual tokens. Lots of reading material ranging from Nature to The Economist there, as well.


Got to return to town to regenerate


If I recall rightly, the first visit saw these outcomes: Khorne (VP), Slaanesh (VP), Horned Rat (Dial), Nurgle (VP), Tzeentch (VP). The second had: Nurgle (VP), Slaanesh (VP), and then three Khorne wins in a row. One suspects that the expansion Bloodletter upgrade, which gives two VP for every kill, might be slightly overpowered.


Epic five-faction showdown, for the heck of it


The ghost of Mr. Robo: Left the place in a good untangled state, hopefully. And um, can we drop the "the ghost of" bit? It's getting rather extraneous.

Me: Fair enough. So what brings you back to this unhappy mortal coil, O immaterial one?


A Novel Transform


Dramatic entrance lined up
(Source: Somewhere on the Internet)


Mr. Ham: Ah, we get to the exciting part. To answer your question, Mr. Robo has signed up for my seminar, "You can be an Asshole too (Yes you)!"

Me: But... why?

Mr. Robo: *sighs* I got tired of waiting and being... myself, that's why.

Me: Surely there are other means?

Mr. Ham: *steps in* Eh, eh, eh. This is the sort of airy-fairy crap that Mr. Robo's so-called friends have been shovelling into him for his entire life. Well, he's bloody dead now. An ex-ham. Kicked the bucket. Bought the farm. Consumed his last sunflower seed. And you have the cheek to tell him to wait?

Me: If you put it that way.

Mr. Ham: If you're so concerned, you can audit this session for free, and sign up for the full package at a 20% discount, just for you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I will have to work on this snivelling mess of a hamster slouching before me.

Mr. Robo: *whimpers* For the record, I resent that.

*Mr. Ham ignores Mr. Robo and drags him into a changing room*

*Some time later*

Mr. Ham: Presenting... the new Mr. Robo! I had to burn his old clothes - and then burn them again - but observe how presentable he is now: faux leather jacket, not one but two popped collars, spray-on fur dye, and spiked-up head fur.


Eat your heart out, Cantona
(Source: jamiekrick.com)


Me: ...won't comment on the style, but it's impressive how you managed to fix his posture. While he doesn't look very natural or comfortable, it's an improvement over his past cowering.

Mr. Ham: Ah, that! One of my most-loved innovations, and current top-seller! I call it metal-T-frame-tied-to-torso-and-shoulders! Not only does it force his chest out, the weight conditions his muscles, and the sandpapered inner surface is designed to constantly irritate him, refining his assholishness! It's even backed by bona-fide psychology research!

Me: It all seems so... contrived.

Mr. Ham: *impatiently* Yes, of course. Turning a boneless loser into a truly magnificent asshole, like myself, is neither quickly nor easily done. Frankly, it's much more the mindset than the image, but the external changes are easier to effect, and the gains are more immediate. I'm trying to kick off a self-sustaining cycle of asshole power propagation here.

Mr. Robo: I do feel... different.

Mr. Ham: Very good. On to the second, harder step. You see those garbage bins lined up at the other end?

Mr. Robo: Yes.

Mr. Ham: Watch closely.

*Mr. Ham nonchalantly swaggers up to the first bin, swings his foot effortlessly, topples the bin with perfect rhythm, and continues on without any evidence of having broken stride*

Mr. Robo: *awestruck* That's... beautiful.

Mr. Ham: Goes without saying. Now, you do it.

*Mr. Robo exaggerates his walk to the second bin, misses on the first try, panics and tries to turn the movement into a stomp, gets leg caught in the bin, trips, falls flat on face*

Mr. Ham: *covering face* I... see we have much work to do.

*Walks over to the prostrate Mr. Robo*

First, your gait was too pronounced - you're forcing the stride, and consciously swinging your arms too widely. Ok, overcompensating is better than doing nothing, but keep em' shoulder width for now, and relax. Have you kicked a ball before? Front of instep, boy, front of instep, and plant your other leg firmly first, right behind the target point. No fancy stuff for starters. There's a good ham.

*Mr. Robo brightens up, picks himself off the ground, and gets the third bin down alright, if slightly awkwardly. With renewed enthusiasm, and much determination, he works himself down the long line of bins. Mr. Ham waits until Mr. Robo is out of earshot, then lights a cigar*

Mr. Ham: *puffing* So, what do you think?

Me: I don't know what to say.

Mr. Ham: I'll tell you, the lad has potential.

Me: I'll say, his right foot is improving as we speak.

Mr. Ham: No, it's not just that. Tell me, how well did you know Mr. Robo, human?

Me: He was a conscientious researcher and programmer when alive. Still is, even in death.

Mr. Ham: *exhales a cloud of smoke* He was - is - that, and more besides. Now tell me, what do you think being an asshole is about?

Me: Is this a trick question?

Mr. Ham: No, no, I'm serious. Indulge me.

Me: Well, an asshole doesn't care about others.

Mr. Ham: A common, and largely accurate, answer. Now, tell me - how many people do you know, who openly acknowledge themselves as assholes?

Me: None? Okay, one.

Mr. Ham: Yours truly, no doubt. But aren't their attentions, to a very large extent, driven by circumstance and self-interest?

Me: I find this line of reasoning disingeneous.

Mr. Ham: Suit yourself. Still, I find it necessary to draw a distinction between being an asshole asshole, and being a proper asshole, like...

Me: Like yourself, the incredible Mr. Ham.

Mr. Ham: You got it, brotha. An asshole-asshole goes out of his way to inflict pain and inconvenience, and... basically, you know it when you see it. A proper asshole, on the contrary, completely doesn't give two hoots. In another light, the asshole-asshole still cares, in a negative way, while the proper asshole is completely detached, and simply all himself. Complete immersion in his own frame, but with zero malice.


"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn"
- Saint Asshole Clark Gable deigns to give a priceless demonstration of crystallized proper-assholeness
(Source: playfire.com)


Me: Sounds kind of Zen to me.

Mr. Ham: It is as such. Now, the state of proper-assholeness is not trivial to perfect, even for born assholes like myself, and being an asshole-asshole is often a convenient intermediate stage, which is what I hope to put Mr. Robo through. Like Alcoholics Anonymous, the all-important first step is acceptance, in this case, that you are an asshole.

But back to the Roboness himself. From what you have said, I think I can assert that I know more of him than you, if only on the rare occasions where he has accidentally confided in me.

Me: "Accidentally" confided?

Mr. Ham: Well, it's hard to tell fantasy from reality when slipping in and out of a coma after having his balls kicked in by Ms. Robo. How the unlikely couple became Mr. and Ms. Robo is itself a riveting tale, but that is one for the future.

Back to the point, Mr. Robo happens to be quite the character, deep inside. If his semi-conscious babblings are to be believed, he usually plays extra-dumb in interactions, even going as far as to fabricate mistakes and vulnerabilities, just to fit in. This gives him great asshole potential, in my book.

Me: Weren't you mad at him for that?

Mr. Ham: You forget, human, that I am a master of proper-assholeness. Mr. Robo does have the ability to do that - it is the truth. Why then should I get hung up over that? If anything, it is my opinion that he has been far too kind, but the Great Hamster knows, he can afford it.


More manga wisdom


*Mr. Ham takes a deep draw from his cigar*

No, human, my interest now is in seeing him fulfil his asshole promise... that came out sounding wrong, but you know what I mean. Just between you and me, if he puts his mind to it, he can be one of the greatest assholes of his time; perhaps even an asshole that envelops this world. That sounds wrong again.

*Distant crash*

...as long as he remembers to put his weight behind the swing, that is.



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