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Saturday, Jan 28, 2012 - 20:35 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

A Year Again


Of Dragons And Hamsters

The Dragon Year's come along with hopes for a baby boom (then again, since when did dragons reproduce more than bunnies?), which would improve the native demographics situation from completely hopeless to marginally less completely hopeless. In other news, there is no end to the travails of the local rich, with their being hit hardest by inflation being headlined prominently - yet another unique phenomenon in a unique nation.

Regrettably, my year counter has also incremented - time seems to pass more quickly nowadays - while Ms. Robo W. White's life counter ran out. The Lunar New Year period has historically not been kind to my hamsters. She was always a sweet little, if nervous, thing, who never quite got used to living alone.

Not that it was easy to tell, given how Mr. Ham especially often appears very convincingly deceased, especially when there's work to be done. As a small consolation, he's at least quiet when he's pretending.


Let her eat cake


The remaining two did not appear overly affected by this somber news, busy as they were in sprucing up their Chieftec Black Dragonhamster home:


And nobody dropped any angpows in after all that effort!


Mr. Ham (in his accoutrements as Leader of the One True Quadrilateral): Says who? I, for one, in my near-infinite grace, am extremely saddened by my custome... follower's passing.

It came at a most inopportune time too - she had only received the Passport To The Third Zone of Paradise (with the Rider for one free spa access each day, which was on offer) for generous donations to my mansi... a new building which shall be put to very good use, and had almost been persuaded to fork out for a Golden Ticket Of The Sixth Inner Sanctum Where The Tortured Screams Of The Unbelievers Shalt Be Music To The Ears Of The Faithful. I'll got far too many of those in inventory!

(Teeny sharp voice from above): Just a minute, young ham! There ain't no mountain of sugarcandy as you promised in the contract, no, and the folks up here just smiled when I showed them my Passport! What sort of scam are you tryin' to pull?

The Most High And Munificient Ham (shiftily): Erm, I did warn you, right? Some little trouble with contractors and all that, you know the sort, or maybe the sand's not coming through, can't get the labour, all the government's fault. It's all a miscommunication, really, I'll get my secretaries onto it at once, oh will you look at the time, got to go, got two exorcisms and a test drive (born after group work with the cats) scheduled, bye!

*disappears*

The night of CNY eve was spent on the time-honoured practice of gambling (for once, with small stakes) on Blackjack, Texas Hold 'em and Big Two (one of the few card games I feel myself to be good at), while watching Manchester beat London in football and confirming that having a larger bankroll helps tremendously in coming out ahead in the long run. Sorry, bro.

It will supposedly be a good year for Pigs, but fortune tellers in Hong Kong are feeling the heat from a smartphone app that is undercutting them. Quoth:

"We soothsayers take into account the year of their birth, what day it is and what the weather is like that day. We have studied for many years in order to qualify to take on this role. That cannot be replaced by a machine."



You honour, the defence rests (Source: graphics.stanford.edu)


In my opinion, devotees can relax - the readings shouldn't be that bad, given that yours truly managed to get away with made-up Tarot predictions during a secondary school fair (it was for a good cause!) It might be supposed that humans would have the advantage of cold reading, but gee, I wonder how accurate a Facebook fortunetelling app (with access to feeds, friend lists, etc) could be... and in fact, Google is already doing it (check their guess about you out)


The Bright Side Of Media




Jambon Speaks

Me: All please welcome the return of the lesser-seen half of our house political analyst duo, Monsieur Jambon! Jambon is here today to give voice to the other side, after a rewarding stint working as a consultant in Hamerica. Monsieur Jambon, could you tell us about your experiences there?

Monsieur Jambon: Certainly. I had a great time offering advice to the Republicahams - for one, they pay better than the Democrahams - and they wisely took some of it. Mind, when I suggested that they "promise the moon" (itself a common enough political strategy, like apologizing at the last minute), I didn't expect them to take it so literally!

Me: Well, if we can consider building an underground city, I don't see why they, with so much more resources, can't dream big. But on to the main event - today, Monsieur Jambon, political analyst and advisor extraordinaire, shall explain to us why high salaries in government is necessary. Monsieur Jambon, please.


*ahem*

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to inform you that you are a fortunate people; for in what other land has good governance been seen, have intelligent policies been made, has sweat and toil been given in the service of the nation, as Singapore? No, you have not seen the whirlpool of corruption that is the rest of the civilized world, nor felt the tentacles of dynastic nepotism so prevalent elsewhere.

And it is for one reason only - you have been privileged to pay your political leaders and top civil servants a lot.

Ah, you might say, what about countries like Sweden and Norway? I tell you, do not believe them, you know not what hidden malfeasance lies in their socialist Scandinavian hearts! You really believe they are less corrupt than us? It cannot be! Their wages are way too low for that.

I tell you, you lot are lucky to be able to pay. Only recently, two high-level officials have suffered the ignominy of being arrested for possible graft, and it is all your fault! If you people had been more generous, and doubled their meagre remuneration of S$30k a month - how does anybody live on that nowadays - likely none of this would have happened! I did not want to say it, but you citizens have let them down.

For is it not written, ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you?

Whether they turn out to be guilty, as so many of you have immodestly presupposed, or not, is far from the point. The point is that these two men have sacrificed greatly in the first place. If they had not entered public service, they could potentially have been private entrepreneurs raking in billions! They were not even properly incentivized - where were the performance bonuses for not participating in adultery?

You know not of the pain and suffering public office brings! These heroes have undergone a precipitous drop in the standard of living they would otherwise have enjoyed, they risk being shorn of all dignity, unable to look local millionaires (of which there are many) in the eye due to their pitifully low paycheques, they cannot even enjoy their French cuisine lessons in peace! And all this shame, all this humiliation, for what? For the ignorant (and almost certainly corrupt, from their income levels) hoi polloi to grumble?

I tell you, no! A thousand times no!

It is only right and proper to reward exceptional performance with exceptional salary. Look at our transport, our housing, our security, our environmental planning... all world class! Nay, not only world class, but ten times as good as can be found anywhere else! Paying our leaders less than ten times as much as can be seen anywhere else looks like an absolute bargain now, doesn't it? Yes, in time, you lot shall regret pressuring such irreplaceable men of virtue into reducing their pay, mark my words! Heaven hath eyes!

But it is not too late to repent. Write to the media, to your representatives, and beg them to take the money, before it is too late! Shall the nation collapse because of your mean-spirited and unwarranted stinginess?

Gentlemen, I will not let that happen! *slams tiny paw on lecturn*

No, we shall prove once more able to defend the salaries of the great leaders of our island home! I say we pay, if necessary for years, if necessary alone! At any rate, that is what we are going to try to do. That is the resolve of the Government - every man of them. That is the will of Parliament and the nation! The citizens and the Republic, linked together in cause and need, will defend to the death our right to pay!

We shall pay in our flats, we shall pay in the carparks, we shall pay in the foodcourts and on the roads, we shall pay in the casinos and with every purchase and after we die; we shall never stop paying, and if, which I do not for a moment believe, this island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our top talents, armed and guarded by their immense net worth, would understandably and deservingly immediately flee the borders for pastures new.

*wild applause*


And if paying doesn't work - I shall eat my hat!



Post-CNY Flutter

Me: Jambon, I've got to hand it to you, that was... impressive.

Monsieur Jambon (1577/1900 seeds, on behalf of Mr. Ham): That goes without saying. I was, after all, paid. And am going to be paid even more from this: Birmingham City (-1.5) vs. Sheffield United (at 5.05)

FAKEBERT (1963.5/1900 seeds): Great odds on Manchester United to beat Liverpool (at 2.65)



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Next: Hamming It Up


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Final Call
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Another New Beginning
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