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Saturday, Apr 11, 2015 - 23:00 SGT
Posted By: Ham H. Let

Health Check

Lyrics


Mr. Ham: ...Let's see how many visits we've gotten... what the... scooped again? By... a cat?! That's it, now it's personal! Mr. Robo, we've got a mission! Gather your gear, we're moving out. Mr. Robo? Are you here? Ah, he's left his cubicle... hm, he left his browser tab on YouTube. Now what's this? *clicks play* Ah, interesting.

Mr. Robo: *rushing back* Oh, hi, sir. Um.

Mr. Ham: Watching cute critter videos on company time again, eh, my deputy executive director of financial operations pro tem/acting vice-president of financial analytics/adjunct assistant temp intern, second grade/coffee boy?

Mr. Robo: Uh, sir, it's like this...

Mr. Ham: *taps table* For the sake of your salary, I do hope that you have a convincing explanation for this. Eh, here comes the human. Lucky for you, I am of the opinion that us hamsters should stick up for each other. Lemme handle this.

Me: Hello, Mr. Robo! Done with the research I handed to you yesterday morning?

Mr. Ham: Human, I will have you know that Mr. Robo is officially my subordinate, and that he has been... fully and productively occupied, under my peerless direction.

Me: Really.

Mr. Ham: He's my new... head of employee wellness, yes, that's it. Mr. Robo, tell the human what you have learnt.

Mr. Robo: Huh? Me? *slightly panicking* Uh, too much sugar is bad for you! Your body can't take that much cola!

Me: Hmm? *shrugs* Well, that's certainly true - too many sugary drinks does contribute to diabetes, which happens to be closely related to what I'm working on. Just had my own retina imaged for the very first time despite working on the tech for years, at our lab's exhibition booth. Seems okay, thank goodness. But it's true, people probably worry far too much when there might just be some little thing...


Behind the black curtains


Such concerns aren't helping Coca-Cola's bottom line, with their earnings plunging recently. McDonald's not doing too well either, but anectodally, sales of Red Bull appear brisk at the vending machines I frequent. Anyway. Well done, Mr. Robo.

Mr. Robo: Oh, it wasn't any trouble at all.

Mr. Ham: Are we neglecting anything?

Mr. Robo: *panicking again* Is there more? I, uh, oh; it's vitally important to, you know, shake shake shake.

Me: Indeed! Played badminton for the first time in maybe a year a few days ago, and I'm aching all over now, with a mild case of tennis elbow even maybe. Guess I'm not getting any younger, I'll need to take warm-ups more seriously in future.

Mr. Ham: Huh. That worked.

Me: But enough about me. Have you two heard of...

Mr. Robo: Olé!

Me: Huh?

Mr. Robo: Uh, I meant, excuse me - I realised that I had found what you had asked for, after all.

Me: Ah, yes! I just knew that we had said something about the "SBS, SMRT earn a total of S$1 million for improving bus reliability" headlines that carpeted the local mainstream media. It turns out that we had, when the Public Transport Operator incentive scheme was announced last February or so, predicted that The State's Times would announce, I quote, "PTOs earn S$2 million in performance incentives on EWT scheme", and explained just why this would happen.

Revisiting that analysis, it was explained that a sustained reduction in commuter wait times could only realistically be expected from a) extrinsic traffic condition improvements and b) actually increasing bus frequency/capacity, though the bonus system would appear to reward a random walk in any case. For once, The State's Times' customary fifty-person poll indicated that the commuters were not feeling it, but personally, all these rewards are small potatoes.

Mr. Ham: Yah, let the bus driver uncles happy, lah. All the more as their big boss kena stuck with the transport portfolio, despite the very meritocratic cabinet reshuffle.

Me: I'm kinda more concerned at the charging of a foreign nurse under the Sedition Act, possibly in part due to popular pressure, particularly given that this could set a wider precedent - though in this case, the guy in question did touch religion, and moreover didn't help himself by falsely asserting that his account had been hacked in his police statement.


Well, it appears, you can!
(Source: forums.hardwarezone.com.sg)


No signs of the authorities letting up their zero-tolerance policy on demonstrations either, with a completely peaceable and non-disruptive protest outside the Istana by just two men ending in their arrest. I'm unsure if they were aware that even one person can constitute an "assembly" nowadays, but I'm starting to feel that something's gonna break someday.

And, oh, Mr. Robo?

Mr. Robo: Um, yes?

Me: It's totally ok to watch... happy videos. Natural joy is a rare experience in this world nowadays. Treasure it.

*leaves*

Mr. Robo: Well, it seems he knew all along.

Mr. Ham: Not terribly hard, given that it's been looping on your screen all this while.

Mr. Robo: Ah. Still, Mr. Ham, you'd understand if I prefer that this didn't get out...

Mr. Ham: *pats Mr. Robo on back convivially* Mum's the word, my friend. We've all done things that we're not altogether too proud of, I know better than most. I've your back on this. But, just send the link to my email, would you? For... science.

Mr. Robo: *relieved* Sure thing. Here you go.

*taps on keyboard, then short silence*

Uh, I appear to have forwarded it to my entire contact list...



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