The Hef, 91
Hugh Hefner - gentleman's gentleman and ladies' man - has passed on, likely as Heaven required someone to jazz up their staid parties. He attained the ripe old age of 91, confounding the overplayed association between conventional virtue and longevity, but seriously, Hef definitely had something - many things - to live for, unlike those stick-in-the-muds. Moreover, he conclusively proved that you didn't need to be dead to tutor six dozen young ladies in the ways of life, unlike what some misguided and largely departed souls might have asserted.
Other than being a class act, Hugh was an American publishing icon, whose devotion to presenting the bare facts before the advent of the Internet sated the intellectual lusts of his discerning readership, while opening new vistas for his many friends and imitators. A true man of letters, he provided a ready launchpad for an eclectic constellation of future literary giants - Asimov, Atwood, Bradbury, Dahl, Murakami, Vonnegut... the list goes on - to a degree never quite replicated. His genius in burnishing weighty expositions with very pleasant diversions has probably single-handedly done more to promote a love of reading, than any other character of the past two centuries.
Classy to the last and possessed of a stiff devotion to personal integrity, he was a visionary ahead of his time, who held courageous views on unpopular stands, and was nearly always vindicated by history. But, more than that, his influence further penetrated about every aspect of modern culture - how many can claim to have contributed significantly to modern computer vision, whilst managing to encourage generations of teenaged boys to pursue a healthy lifestyle by rambling in the woods?
The NFL, 97
A sad end to a once-proud institution
Here, we mourn the loss of the National Football League, who had looked so hale and hearty and so certain to make its centenary, just a few months ago. Regrettably, as with so many venerable seniors, the slip into dementia-induced dotage was rapid and irreversible, and horrified onlookers could only watch as they, after persisting stubbornly with their poor decision-making, knelt over and expired in full view of the public.
They were ninety-seven.
This very much avoidable death has drawn much belated if deserved attention from their former friends, who have accused malicious parties of taking advantage of the NFL's chronic feeble-mindedness, brought upon by the job-related hazard of repeatedly getting hit extremely hard on the head; this condition had left them vulnerable to being led astray by the blandishments of opportunistic agitators, who after stripping them of the fruits of decades of goodwill and support, left them to perish in something between a murder and a suicide.
But frankly, like, the NFL should really have considered the demographic that were their loyal customers. I mean, of course you can get hopped up on disrespecting the GOD-EMPEROR at an antifa rally, but it just so happens that American football fans overwhelmingly tend to be, you know, the heartland type that actually likes their country. Well, with team gear being burnt across the nation, ticket sales falling almost 20% in days and their favorability ratings slashed in half, I'd say it's a matter of time before the GOD-EMPEROR claims yet another glorious moral victory. The political genius strikes again.
Plus, soccer-football's better anyway.
The Formerly Repressed Amos Yee, 18
He has walked through the darkness, and attained the light
Death can at times be merely a symbolic transformation, and it is in this sense that we congratulate both Amos Yee for his liberation from an increasingly-unelected regime, and Great America for their foresight in welcoming a misunderstood and harshly-subjugated young talent - for, as the GOD-EMPEROR has pledged: they can come, but they have to come legally.
Now, with wings unfurled in the Land of the Free, we predict an immensely bright future for the brave prodigy, who has pledged to continue his reasoned criticism unabated. Worried establishment figures have attempted to downplay the significance of this event, but really, we think Amos will take to the American entertainment industry like a fish to water - and, recall, what did they say about the GOD-EMPEROR himself?
Next: Staying On The Move
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