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Friday, Dec 06, 2019 - 19:59 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Island State Endowed With Natural Moat Wants To Build Bridges Not Walls

[N.B. We interrupt the A.I. series for some primo satire on recent events]

As the world builds walls, Singapore must go against the tide and build bridges, a ministerial representative said yesterday.

"It is our great fortune that we are separated from our nearest neighbours by a strait of water, about a kilometre wide at a minimum. You know how difficult it is to swim a kilometre? I'm no Joseph Schooling, but I can tell you, it's bloody hard. And on the south side, it's open sea, baby. Nobody's coming that way."

He then emphasized how obvious it was, that in such a situation, the logical thing was to build bridges.

"It would allow goods and people to enter the country, but in a carefully-controlled manner. So we can tax them. We were so wary, in fact, that we had only the one bridge for the longest time, but now we have two."

The audience was then completely wowed with the innovation on display, when the ministerial representative explained how their walls had been deployed with utmost efficiency.

"Since all the people can come in only by the bridges, we build our walls only around the exits of those bridges!" he revealed, to thunderous applause. "There is then no need to build additional walls around our shoreline, because, let's be honest, a guy fit enough to cross miles of water undetected by our coast guard patrols would likely be able to climb it."

But, he hastened to add, there was a ready solution.

"Unlike places like America, we do not hold such illegal immigrants in possibly-poor conditions. Oh no. That would be too random and far too soft. Instead, after we catch them, we strip them, strap them down, and whip them with a half-inch thick rattan cane. Until the skin breaks and the blood flows like water. Once, twice, three times at least. The scars never fully heal, as a permanent reminder of what awaits them, if they try to make a better life here without official permission."

"And it's like, nobody cares here." the ministerial representative added triumphantly. "Our native SJWs tend to bandwagon to whine about what other countries do instead."

"Then again, maybe they know, deep inside, that we're right."

The ministerial representative was careful to state that the law was impartial in this regard. "This wouldn't have happened if they had money, you know? If you're rich, whether you're a run-of-the-mill tax dodger, a shady Indonesian tycoon, or even a retired African dictator, my greeting to you is: welcome."

"Just so it's clear, our bridges are totally for you, and not for refugees or asylum-seekers. Because we are a small country with limited land, the land's reserved only for those with cash. But if you're an exile with a Swiss bank account, please inform that fine gentleman, and we might discuss it over lunch."

Finally, in response to a journalist's hypothetical as to what he would do if the country had a land border, the ministerial representative got dismissive.

"Obviously, in that case, we build a wall. What do we look like to you? Stupid people?"

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