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Wednesday, Oct 08, 2008 - 02:20 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

废话

Well, here I am, sitting at my desk after a half-hearted half-hour going through my EC3312 Game Theory notes, in readiness for the mid-term examination tomorrow morning. It's not like I haven't put in the effort, though - as with each other economics tutorial this semester, I had attended and taken notes at every lecture (well, except the one EC3353 7 p.m. makeup), and dutifully typed out the solutions to every tutorial given out so far.

A decent position to be in, perhaps, if a teeny voice at the back of my head hadn't whispered, "What the bleep are you doing with your life?"

A fair question to be sure. Oh, studying is okay, but at the end what do I get from it? A living maybe, but I am sadly not among those blessed souls who sincerely want for nothing, nor those only slightly less blessed ones who want for nothing in particular, or who want but without much strength of desire and thus suffer little in their deprivation. To add to this curse, what I want should not be attained with worldly riches (alas, otherwise matters would be rather more straightforward if by no means simple) or by donning a mask, and indeed I would be sorely disappointed if obtained through such means.

So now, it is the little matter of living and working for the foreseeable future, without a clear or even comprehensible path towards my actual goal. But so has it been for the best part of a decade, and one gets used to, or more aptly comes to a temporary grudging accommodation with, this state of being. It is said that there is a way out of every problem, and in a matter of want there is always the path of renunciation; Alas, it is not one which I can devote myself to yet. My heart is still supposed to be too young, my role as a fool is not done. I may know that in my waning years I will with all probability look back and laugh, but that knowledge does not change the fact of the present, my own Kobayashi Maru.

What has it been, seven years? What is seven more? By day I let it consume me, by night I let it haunt me. When it consumes me I cannot happily wake, and when it haunts me I cannot peacefully sleep. Yet, one way or another, I will have my satisfaction in this life, with no need for a next.

But for now, as always, I wait...



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