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 Hamland's #1 talk show for mice and men! Good evening, kind people! Welcome to the first episode of the mr.ham show, where yours truly Sir Ham Humperdinck Lethe will dispense sage advice to all and sundry. Due to the greedy capitalist human-dominated media demanding royalties to revive Ham & Fish, I have decided to take the Fourth Estate back where it belongs, to the people! Excess proceeds, after my very modest cut, will go towards the poor hamsters oppressed by the French, an outrage brought to my attention by a brave sympathizer known only as occ. We are confident that we can force their surrender once we can afford a peashooter. Lesson one is that Mr. Ham does not enter ventures lightly, and after comprehensive market research by a team of business school students (whom I managed to get to pay me for the internship as part of their degree requirement, after they missed the boat in applying to others), I concluded that there is a glaring niche in the male-oriented talkshow market; Oprah, despite her impending retirement, is living proof of how lucrative this sort of garba..., I mean, valuable advice, can be. We're going to start off with a bang. Okay, it appears that guys nowadays are darn shy about asking about relationships - by which, by the way, really means how to get into the pants of the fairer sex. Today, we are going to help these losers, uh, underappreciated nice guys, in this very rewarding endeavour, and to my left is my mysteriously anonymous first guest, who so happens to have done comprehensive research in this age-old field. He prefers to be known as Mr. Paper Bag. Mr. Bag, please. Mr. Paper Bag: Hello. I would say that it's a pleasure to be here, but sitting next to a smelly hamster does not qualify. However, in an age where hams are more men than what could be loosely-termed men, and politically-correct pedestalization of the other gender reigns, my message is one that cannot wait. Hence, here I am. Mr. Ham: Well, really! Happily, the feeling's mutual. Mr. Paper Bag: First off, let me state that all this won't work on chumps who are stubbornly sticking to a particular target, though they at least have a better excuse than the miserable sods who would accept just about anything within reason, yet end up girlfriend-less. And if you're male and still with me here, you're probably within their ranks. Mr. Ham: I hope what follows makes up for losing half my studio audience within the first three minutes, Mr. Bag. Mr. Paper Bag: Oh, it will, it will. None so blind, or so resigned to lonely weekend nights of maudlin salf-satisfaction, as those who will not see; but the rest of my brothers who remain do seek, and thus they will find. Let us first examine a recent study that confirms that girls prefer cash over other qualities in a mate. Alright, to forestall any arguments, this refers to other girls not in this audience, who are without exception heavenly blessed beauties, so you, you and you please sit down. When I first read the paper, I was highly offended, but mostly because my grant proposal for "Sun Rises In East" was turned down. Mr. Ham: I see. So what are the options for the average male? Mr. Paper Bag: Well, according to my computations, incorporating the top indicators of female desire as determined by extensive online research, the easiest method is a cosmetic makeover by a competent plastic surgeon, until the following look is achieved:  Scientifically proven to work on 87.9% of the girls you want Mr. Paper Bag: Barring that, the traditional thing to do was to work hard, save up, and be a responsible citizen. Don't get me wrong - it still works for some - but for reasons that shall be explained, in our increasingly Westernized society, its effectiveness is steadily falling. Mr. Ham: And why is that? Mr. Paper Bag: I believe that we can first agree that while guys want gals, gals want guys too. For the sake of our discussion, we rank all guys on a single scale of desirability, and the same for gals; and before some bleeding hearts start squeaking that all are equal, I would like to remind them that none of them gave a second look to the tramp at the entrance of this building, despite his admirably luxuriant beard, while quite a few made passes at the handsome out-of-work actor I hired to stand around in a business suit just to prove you wrong. So there. For guys, money, power and social status are the major determinants - notice these attributes are rather intercorrelated. For girls, it is youth and beauty. We would then expect people to pair up assortatively. Guys who are a 9, for example a wealthy director in his early forties, would get the girls of a similar ranking, such as an extremely sweet-faced and moderately virtuous and sufficiently intelligent lass in her mid-twenties (occupation mostly irrelevant). Average, honest guys who are a 5 or 6 would match up with more homely girls. Under monogamy, this is the most sensible outcome. These desirability rankings are only mostly objective, which is actually a good thing. The happiest pairings occur when a couple mutually ranks each other rather higher than objective observers do; imagine how thrilled a guy who sees himself as a 5 but thinks his girl is a 9, when most others would rate her a 5 too, would be - when this feeling is reciprocated, we usually term it "being madly in love", and such pairs tend to be very stable since others have little incentive to get in the middle. Mr. Ham: So I paid you to say that all is hunky-dory? Mr. Paper Bag: I'm coming to that. The point is, this is not quite the current state of affairs. Putting it bluntly, what is happening is that a significant subset of girls are spending their best years pursuing guys that are out of their league. Mr. Ham: Um, so? Don't guys do that too? Mr. Paper Bag: Put it this way. A male 6 trying for a female 8 would get brushed off nearly all the time, or at best kept around as a source of ready help cum emotional eunuch. A female 6 trying for a male 8 can get men of such calibre to get intimate with her with amazing regularity. The problem is that this often convinces the female 6 that she is actually an 8, although the male 8s all regard her as a short-term fling; worse, as females are by nature hypergamous, she might well hold out for a male 9 or better for long-term commitment, which isn't going to happen. When this happens, what happens is a soft form of polygamy - the guys at the top, whether sports stars, top bankers or rockers, receive a massively disproportionate amount of female affection. In my field, we term these guys as alpha. Then we come to the greater betas who have their life together, are pretty social, and are quite successful in their careers, and then run-of-the-mill nice lads who haven't done anything wrong. These are the betas, who make up the majority of guys. Returning to the numerical rankings, alphas would probably be in the 9 to 10 range, greater betas from 7 to 8, and betas from 4 to 6. Below that, we have what is variously termed gammas or omegas, who are often characterised by being very heavy or very thin, having a strange odor, and residing in their parents' basement playing console games. Some of these have voluntarily renounced the whole mating business altogether - see Japan's herbivore boys. I believe that this is a contributing factor towards many of modern society's most pressing issues, such as the decline of marriage. Mr. Ham: Wow, that's quite a sweeping assertion. Unfortunately, we're out of time, so until next time, folks! Next: Markquee Event
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