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bert's blog v1.21 Powered by glolg Programmed with Perl 5.6.1 on Apache/1.3.27 (Red Hat Linux) best viewed at 1024 x 768 resolution on Internet Explorer 6.0+ or Mozilla Firefox 1.5+ entry views: 1160 today's page views: 77 (10 mobile) all-time page views: 3242675 most viewed entry: 18739 views most commented entry: 14 comments number of entries: 1214 page created Wed Apr 9, 2025 07:38:38 |
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Mr. Ham: And I'm baaaaaaaaccccccck! And I've brought the mr. ham show with me! And if anybody said that I'm here to escape lawsuits back in Hamerica, they are all filthy liars! With that settled, here's some music to set the mood: Alternate version by Placebo Telling me he'd be home Sailed the seas for a hundred years and left me all alone And I've been dead for twenty years I've been washing the sand With my ghostly tears Searching the shores for my Jackie-oh I remember the day the young man came He said, "your Jackie's gone We got lost in the rain" And I ran to the beach And laid me down "You're all wrong", I said And they stared at the sand "That man knows that sea Like the back of his hand He'll be back some time laughing at you" And I've been waiting all this time For my man to come Take his hand in mine And lead me away To unseen shores I've been washing the sand With my salty tears Searching the shore these long years And I'll walk the seas forever more Till I find my Jackie oh Jackie oh Jackie oh Jackie oh On to the show itself; on sufference, we have as a guest today, a filthy human *canned boos* Me: Sir, it might have slipped your mind who's paying the bills here. Mr. Ham: Yes, yes, my dear paymaster. So, let's see *flips through notes* Top of the agenda today is... still politics. Well, seeing as to how you refused to give in to Herr Ahm and Monsieur Jambon's eminently fair speaking fee demands, we will have to fall back on a ham of the people today. Which is my incomparably charismatic self, goes without saying. *mutters* Besides, those fake mustaches were hellishly itchy. Me: Excuse me? Mr. Ham: Nothing. Anyway, after what I've seen in Hamerica, the local scene pales in comparism, not that that's a bad thing. Hoo boy, watching how some of those nominees wallop each other, it's difficult to tell if they are on the same team! Unfortunately, we won't be seeing that here, with your main opposition party magnanimously shooting themselves in their own foot, after being handed ample ammunition for a priceless opportunity to tackle the incumbents on their own ground. It would almost surely have been easier to miss, but they have somehow found a way to fall flat on their faces unbidden. The situation elsewhere is no brighter either. Barely months after losing their only seat, the SPP has been hit by the resignation of six key members, which especially given the frail physical condition of their leader and guiding light, is frankly a blow they might not be able to recover from. Even the assertion that former presidential candidate Tan Jee Say had nothing to do with it is not as much of a consolation as first thought, given as he has at least been active (as have other candidates). So yes, you might argue that your official media is slanted, unlike the unstintingly impartial mr. ham show, but it would help tremendously if the right honourable Opposition members would stop obtaining petards on which to ostentatiously hoist themselves over and over again! Me: Can't argue with that. Mr. Ham: Which is a pity, since their targets are probably more vulnerable now than ever, having found it difficult to live up to the standards set by the now-diminishing old guard, who did what they had to despite being criminally underpaid. One skill they are good at is bold public spending of taxpayer monies, given the S$750 million to be spent on basically drain-widening, and S$600 million on the doubtless competitive and efficient privately-held MRT, which looks to me a tactically-timed message that hey, an annual salary of S$1 million is nothing in the grander scheme of things, where S$1.35 billion can be spunked on hot projects in days. Me: If they did nothing, wouldn't you be yakking about that? Mr. Ham: Political commentary is a very stable industry. Quipping aside, the proof of the pudding is in the eating - so let us judge by results, which will, conveniently for the sitting Government, be a long time in coming. Me: All that aside, handling the economy ain't easy, and for all the justified jabs at constitutional rights and whatnot, I have yet to find a convincing substitute plan being offered up. Somebody is earning a living off importing and employing low-wage foreign workers and maids (found in 20% of households here), after all. This is a consequence of how the system has been set up, but as is the case with the (ruthlessly capitalistic) proper football and (ironically far more socialistic, other than the bit about holding cities hostage by threatening to leave unless they get heavily-subsidised stadiums) American football markets, a transition would not be painless, if even feasible... Mr. Ham: Hey, hey, hey, who's the host here? Me: You. Mr. Ham: Glad we're on the same page. Give those humans an inch, and they'll take a yard. And while we're on the subject of football, up yours! Who's the best? Who's the best? Ham's the best! In your face! Ooh! Woo-aah! *prances about studio fistpumping* Me: This is highly irregular. Mr. Ham: Pray excuse me while I turn up my chin and do my victory pose *spreads arms wide and points nose at ceiling* Me: Look, just because Birmingham beat Sheffield and put you above water - 2082 seeds from 2000 - for the first time in the punting series doesn't mean you deserve to rub it in like that. And wasn't it Monsieur Jambon who laid that bet? Mr. Ham: Lala, I didn't hear that. Hamhamhamwoooahhhh... *thud* FAKEBERT: Somebody had to push him off the table. Me: I didn't see nuthin'. But I got to admit, it was kind of impressive, given that he was zero seeds for 1100 at one point, so I suppose some recognition is in order - packet of dried shrimp? Mr. Ham (2082/2000 seeds): Not only are humans stupid, they are also bad losers. No matter, I will respond by my actions. 100 seeds on Fulham (+1.5) vs. Manchester City (at 1.95)! FAKEBERT (1963.5/2000 seeds): 100 seeds on Tottenham to beat Liverpool (at 3.15) Mr. Ham: Methinks the human hath gotten wiser. Next: The Other Bowl
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