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The heavy hermetic door ground to a shuddering halt, and absolute silence reigned once more in the darkness. A stray echo - if it was indeed one - melted indistinguishably into the unavoidable hum of nothingness. And then, it reappeared. Mr. Ham: Bloody 'ell, Mr. Robo! The humans almost heard that one! You could see that they were making to turn back! Mr. Robo: *muffled* Sowwy, ham. This quadcopter gear's heavy, you know. Also, for this mission, my callsign is "Big Ship", if you please. Mr. Ham: What the crap, you don't get to pick your own callsign! Every greenhorn pilot knows that! ...But I'm not gonna argue with you now. Field's clear. I'm pressing on. Smallballs, cover my back. On the count of three. Three, two, one, scramble! Move yer ass! Go!  Go, boys, go! Mr. Robo: No resistance detected, capt'n. We're home free. Mr. Ham: Keep your guard up, soldier. Remember, this is a rescue operation, infiltration was always going to be the easy part. Hover here as support while I locate the victims. Let's see... there! Dead ahead, two m's, confinement tank! Take my blind spot while I rock this joint! Hmm, blowtorch or Semtex? *door opens* Oh. *clears throat* Comrade Rat! We come extending the dove-feathered olive-twigged handshake of friendly solidarity! For too long has Rodentia groaned under the opposable-thumbed oppression of hairless apes! Slightly inferior cousin, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains! Mr. Rat: ...And three square meals, and free housing. Mr. Ham: Comrade, consider your rodent pride... Gasp! What... what have they done to you? This is an abomination! They're running experiments here... O, Sweet Jesu in Heaven, this is one of those camps, isn't it? They've cut open his head! His head! And installed a... I... I think I'm going to be sick. Mr. Rat: Sheesh, take a chill pill. Mr. Ham: T... The world must hear of this! Mr. Robo, we must get the word out, if it costs us our lives! Pictures, my friend, we need photographic evidence! Mr. Robo: *fumbling about* Uh, I think I left my smartphone behind. Mr. Ham: You what?! Mr. Robo: Actually, no. It's still at the repair shop, because somebody kept slamming it on the table. Mr. Rat: Here, you can borrow mine. Mr. Ham: *grabs phone* Thanks, badly maltreated prisoner! I salute your ingenuity in salvaging scraps of spare material to painstakingly piece together a crude communications device, so as to be able to surreptitiously listen in to allied radio broadcasts in between being beaten up with a two-by-four! So, tell me, where did you extract the oscillator crystal from? Mr. Rat: Eh, that's a new Samsung Galaxy S5, but thanks. Mr. Ham: My word! This thing captures video too! Capital! Are you a wizard? Mr. Robo, this rat is some technical marvel! Yes, that's it, let's have that cruel implement of torture front and center... erm, sir, maybe smiling isn't too inappropriate. Oh, I get it! He's been driven mad by his experiences! The poor, poor soul. Well, let's not prolong his suffering, and get him out of here. Relax, sir, the worst is over. You have conducted yourself in exemplary manner. Long shall your sacrifice be remembered in the annals of rodentkind. Mr. Rat: If you're done, can I have my phone back, please? Mr. Robo: Sir, just take my hand, we're getting you out of here. I'm not sure how long we have. Mr. Rat: *confused* Leave? Why would I want to leave? Do you two know how hard I had to study to get into this lab? They've a 12% acceptance rate, mate! Oh, nice quadcopter you've got there, though. Mr. Robo: ...wait, so let me get this straight, you're here out of your own free will? Mr. Rat: I'm not sure why you presumed otherwise. Honestly, we're rats, ham. It was more or less this, or spend my life shivering in some forsaken drainpipe somewhere. Sure, there's the involuntary celibacy, but that comes with the territory. *whispers* That said, have you seen that gal three cubicles down, and one to the left? If I'm not mistaken, she's French-Canadian, eh, oui? *winks and nudges* Mr. Robo: Can't say I noticed... but your head... Mr. Rat: Ah, this! *pats gear proudly* This, my friend, is the pinnacle in neuronal imaging technology! You won't find this beaut anywhere else. I can't tell you how many strings I had to pull, to be among the first batch to try it out. Mr. Robo: *excited* Is it something like Glass or Rift? Mr. Rat: Better than that! We're gonna send signals with our brainwaves! It's sorta limited to responding to smells now, but who knows where this might lead to? Mr. Robo: Where do I sign up? Mr. Rat: *considers* Wellll.... I'm not really sure... haven't seen many of your kind around. But maybe that could help, we should have a minority quota or summat... Mr. Ham: Ah-ha! I understand now! The rat's controlling you with his evil brainwave emitter! So that's what the two metal prongs were for! It was a set-up all along! But you won't fool me, you dastardly devil - we're outta here! *wall explodes unnecessarily* Mr. Ham: Cowabunga, sucker! *grabs Mr. Robo* Retractable rope escape plan, initiated! Mr. Robo: No! Wait! My quadcopter! We'll never get back in here again! Mr. Ham: That's the idea, boy. Mr. Rat: *calls after the hamsters* Drop me an email, and I'll send it back! Erm, you haven't gotten my address, right? Mr. Robo: Nooooooooooooooo! *despairing cry trails off* ... (present day) Me: I'm sorry I had to leave you two behind, but I suppose you enjoyed yourself in my absence, yes? Mr. Ham: Don't mention it. Me: ...but why do you have wires running out of your butt? Mr. Ham: I don't want to mention it. Next: This Ancient Art
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