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Sunday, Dec 06, 2015 - 20:41 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Rak Talk

Mr. Ham: Good day, my human!

Me: You know, I was just about to have a little discussion with you on a case of attempted impersonation during my absence, which was fortunately foiled due to, I quote the feedback letter, "subject clearly not a person."

Mr. Ham: *waves paw* That's all water under the bridge now, which reminds me, how's the water damage coming along? Seems like you really ought to have gotten that insurance policy that I had promoted before you left, yeah. But cheer up, human, look at what I've brought you!

Me: A bottle of raki? Where did you get that?

Mr. Ham: *winking* Extremely connected hamster at your service, human. This time of the year is always good for running a few blockades, the survivors at the local poultry farms are always up for a tipple. And, eh, you gotta admit, raki's got some rather admirable aficionados.

Me: Actually, I'm not even much for free beer at our department's Friday TGIFs, though they do have some delectable siew mai. And, uh, is that ham-flavoured popcorn?

Mr. Ham: Yep, personal collection. *pours a couple of glasses* So, tell me, how was your week?

Me: *takes a sip* Eh, new computer broke down the Friday before. Hung up a minute or so into Windows, sometimes with a Machine Check Exception error. I was suspecting the RAM or PSU, but after hours of fiddling, figured I should let pros with more spare testing parts have a go, and they isolated the CPU. Well worth the forty bucks. Though, I'm not sure if Sim Lim Square's ever going to recover, foot traffic has only gone down over my past visits.

They're pinning it on Jover Chew, but myself, it's more a manifestation of a long-term trend away from bricks-and-mortar retail. Consider the S$2.50 selfie stick from Turkey, for example, against S$30 at Sim Lim, and S$6 to S$8 online. There's only so much value-add that retailers can provide, and I'm guessing it doesn't amount to tripling the price. Now, definitely, individual retailers are being squeezed by rentals - which might explain, if not forgive, hard-sell tactics - but frankly why should the general consumer care about that?

Mr. Ham: With increasing mobile penetration at all income levels, I'd gather that the previously-captive market of non online-savvy consumers will only shrink too. Eh, do go on.


SG50. SG50 everywhere.


Me: What was next... ah, went for this year's Big Walk. Jubilee Big Walk. Which was mostly like other Big Walks, which involved plenty of walking. There were a few unique opportunities, such as popping inside the closed-for-the-occasion Fort Canning Tunnel, for the more adventurous.

A fresher sight towards the end was that of presumed devotees wearing yellow Falun Dafa tees - all slightly different, as far as I could tell - and walking about in pairs. They certainly didn't approach anyone, or try to hand out anything, so they had that going for them. Actually, I don't even mind that, the Jehovah's Witnesses giving out free Watchtowers outside Herculaneum were extremely nice going about it. Too bad about the local conviction convictions, but if it's any consolation, future NS revamps are not at all unlikely.

I'm big on religious free competition, by the way.

Mr. Ham: *takes large gulp* Acherly, on this "freedom" thing - it may just be a coincidence, but several well-known players in the local alternative political scene, like The Heart Truths and Demon-cratic Singapore, appear to have gone on prolonged unannounced hiatuses soon after the General Elections in September. Now, Ngerng for one remains pretty active on Twitter, so don't quote me on this, but there may have been some... under-table agreements.

Me: Or it could simply be post-election fatigue. Yawning Bread for one has disappeared for months on end at times. Whatever else one may think of him, Au has provided plenty of thought-provoking analysis and opinion pieces of the sort that you won't find in our local rags... one of which has seen him found guilty of contempt of court. At least it was "just" a fine, which I suppose saves face for the prosecutors, who happen to have far fatter cats to fry.

Now, given that I don't even think that he is technically guilty, eight years in the clink was already too much for Our Most Successful Religious Startup Entrepreneur and his cell group members. Of course, you know what's going to happen - head honcho will be out in five years for good behaviour, and immediately make the speaking tour circuit promoting a probably-ghostwritten "Years in the Wilderness" book, packed with your choice of self-reflection, salvation and so where are the donations? A garage sale wouldn't be remiss, either.

But back to freedom of speech from freedom to throw money away - a former NMP and current Media Literacy Council member has openly advocated killing the children of terrorists, his right to do so of which has been upheld by said council, because establishment semi-big shot, lah (please don't sue me). Actually, distasteful as I find this particular remark, I have to agree that he should have the right to say it in public - just as others have the right to disagree - and loudly.

That said, our former NMP is in good company:


Thirty-Six Yes Trump


"When you have these terrorists... you have to take out their families."
[N.B. Probably won't work, take it from the experts, but tough guy points]


In the words of one commentator - the leading presidential candidate for one of the USA's top political parties is openly in favour of murdering innocent civilians. Fine, there're extenuating factors, some of these relatives may well not be totally innocent either, but still.

And, this man happens to be the runaway frontrunner for the Republican nomination at this point, with 36% support in the polls, and a full 20% over his nearest rival.

To provide a little bit of background, the consensus in mainstream circles has always been that Trump's bid was a joke. Despite him having garnered a humongous lead in the early going, by August, the experts still tended to have party men such as Scott Walker, Marco Rubio and not forgetting Jeb Bush (brother of George W.) ahead of him, figuring that he was merely one of those hot flavours of the month.

Among data gurus, Nate Silver actually had Walker - who has since quit - as the favourite back in March, although in Silver's defence, he has consistently maintained that early poll numbers don't matter all that much. A little later, Silver has added that he thinks the 22% that betting markets have on Trump remains too high, with the gist of his - and not a few other pundits' - explanation centering about two points:

  • It is simply too early for the polls to have any predictive value - generally, voters only make up their minds close to the primary (in two months)
  • Trump may have a solid floor of support, but he also has a fixed ceiling - once other candidates drop out of the race, voters will coalesce around the remaining (and more establishment-friendly) candidate

Trouble, however, starts when we consider the choices:


The Republicans' best hope at this moment appears to be getting Rubio as their nominee, and grabbing him a complementary running mate (how about Palin '08?). However, they have one extremely hairy problem, and his name is - Trump. Sure, maybe the winds will change, maybe Trump will finally go too far, maybe he'll lose interest in the whole affair and headline a new reality show instead...

But what if he doesn't? What if he... wins?

On that side of the fence, we have for one Dilbert's Scott Adams, who gives Trump a 98% chance (probably exaggerated for effect). Some are gleefully pointing out that the Republican Party is just reaping what they have sown - having resorted to "demagoguery, parochialism, dogmatism, jingoism, racism, sexism and anti-intellectualism" to win votes, should they be surprised that perhaps the one man who is the very personification of these values, is wowing their base?


We need somebody who can go mano-a-mano with Putin!
Don't knock it, Plato was a wrestler too...


And as for hoping Trump self-implodes, it's probably not going to happen. Just a reminder, he has insulted just about everybody it is possible to insult. Insult John McCain, party elder and Vietnam veteran for spending five years as a prisoner of war? No problem! Insult Mexicans as drug-running rapists? Oh yeah! Insult a bunch of women about their looks? They had it coming! Insult the entire state of Iowa as stupid? They then swung to him (to be fair, on this, he's made some amends, and it's not like this stopped Singaporeans either)!

Note that any of these would have been instant career suicide for many of the other candidates, but not Trump - somehow, he's managed to put himself above it all. Commentators have tried to brainstorm ideas on how to "swiftboat" Trump, and have been resigned to the fact that it basically isn't possible. True, he isn't even actually a good businessman, his major claim to fame - with his initial inheritance, he'd probably have been better off just throwing it in an index fund - but who in the field actually has the cred to attack him on that?

As someone put so prosaically, Trump might be able to literally piss on an American flag, and come out okay.

Yes, Mr. Ham?

Mr. Ham: *swigging raki* I've been over this with my Master Political Analyst pals, and it's not even really complicated. Trump has spoken often of America's "silent majority" - which so happens to be a favourite term of your incumbents, hmm - but I'd say it's more accurately the "seething minority".

Let's put this in context. Remember Obama '08, "Hope and Change"? First (half-)black man in office, economy booming, U.S.A.! to lead the world into a new era of democracy, prosperity, abundant oil and Nobel Peace Prizes? Well, eight years of that, and it's been... okay. At best. Turns out Barack O wasn't a miracle worker after all.

So let's get in the head of a grassroots American - could be just entering the workforce, could be preparing to retire. Particularly for young families, median net worth is effectively zero. They've attended the rallies, bought the T-shirt, held up the placards, Twittered the victory speeches... and nothing. Life became... about the same. Big Business still owns everything. No real change. It didn't matter, in the end.

Now, Obama's stepping down, and who's set to replace him from the Democrats? Hillary Clinton? She's not even going to pretend to be anything other than a Wall Street stooge. Realistically, she's going to walk the Democratic nomination. Historic first woman president, yippie-yippie-yay for progress, you can just see it, they're already installing the nameplate. And on the Republican side, Jeb Bush? Really? And the rest, they're all bought and paid for too. The 1% funds them, and then they do their corporate masters' bidding. Ho-hum.

And then, a knight in ill-fitting flannel appears, and he ain't taking no guff from anybody. If nothing else, he's authentic. He's genuine. He's riches-to-more-riches (wait, weren't we against the 1%? No?). He's brash, he's bold, he's confident. He is the man that sensitive New Age guys disparage by day, yet wish they could be, crying themselves to sleep at night. He is the Alpha Prime that women whom he'd not give a second look downplay, and yet would jump on given half a chance.

He is the hero that America deserves, and the one it badly needs right now. So they'll elect him, because they can take it, and if they can't, well... You're Fired!

He is Trump.



Can't Stump The Trump


Me: A strangely persuasive argument, I got to say. On the "behaving like a leader" front, for better or worse, the Donald's outshining his competitors. I mean, some have pointed to him having only five key issues on his campaign website as a negative, when it's actually probably a refreshing shakeup - what's the point of spamming 32 issues in detail, when you'll probably end up backtracking on most of them?

And, the funny thing is, if you look past his bluster and zero in on his actual expressed positions, you'll find that Trump is actually pretty moderate, as Republicans go. In fact, stay with me here, Trump may - gasp - actually be the best out of a bad bunch. Not bad for a failed Fascist!

This is something that the Republican party chiefs may reluctantly be coming to terms with, all the more as the stars are lining up for him. The recent spate of terrorist attacks, both abroad and at home, have made his hard-line on immigration sound almost prophetic, all the more in the international context. And, for all that the modern breed of data scientists are saying, two months out isn't exactly all that long, and - whisper it - there might well be additional voters who're actually for Trump, but are not openly admitting it because it wouldn't be politically correct.

Hell, I'm saying this as a non-American... it's tempting.

Mr. Ham: *hic* Yeah, that's what the hamsters are saying too - since it's not going to make a difference, why not at least get some entertainment out of it? But, it might still be a good idea to hide the nuclear launch codes away, eh.

Me: So, Zaphod Beeblebrox it is, then.

Squeezing in a quick Russia-Turkey update - the raki's not bad, I got to say - it's only getting... murkier. With the pressure mounting from suspicions that he's not actually targeting ISIS as much as he should, Iran preparing to baotoh him on buying oil from the same, and Peter Jackson himself weighing in on his Smeagol resemblance, poor Erdoğan has... turned around and accused Russia of buying oil from ISIS! Assad's almost sounding like the most rational guy in the room nowadays. Maybe a new U.S. rep might help?


"Erdoğan, my friend. We're sorry, but you just don't have what it takes to join this club. Me and Berlu, we have decided, there is a new man, from America. Hair like rotten mop, head like pork chop, but real man. Like us. Our type. Again, sorry, Tayyip. We bomb you in five minutes."
(Source: imgur.com)



Opening Up

Mr. Ham: *slurring* Are youse feelin' warm innsai? *hic* 'Cos I'm feelin' warm in here, yeah.

Me: Yesh, ham, this ish some strong sthuff.

Mr. Ham: Youse know, hummann, I like youse, man.

Me: Awww, I like you too, hamster.

Mr. Ham: *hic* Tell you sumtheeng, hooman?

Me: Yesh?

Mr. Ham: I dunch even dislike cats atsh all, lem. Sure, they's sneaky bustarrds an' all, butimean, hey, I'm sort of a bustard some dayesh too, yu ged? But, ahmean, ayehm hamster, so's I got to hate cats, amrite?

Me: Oh, I'm cool with that.

Mr. Ham: Soyesh, 'wuz thinking, whycantwe juz, like, gett along? Welike, all, yeah, do dumbthings shumthimes.

Me: Eh, are you baiting me into another theological debate? *shrugs* There's only so many times I can make the same points - you can start out from there being things that we don't understand, which is hard to dispute, and then go on to call it God, so far so good, and next step is God wants you to do this, which is... immediately doubtful.

There's the community attraction, sure, and I suppose it can be... useful, but once you go into the specifics, it's tough to get what the point is. Yeah, universal compassion, hooray, charity, yay, but what happens when a guy from another religion does much the same good deeds? He goes to hell? Seriously? I mean, if one wants his stuff, I'd much prefer to just beat him up and take his stuff, instead of lah lah righteous God's will into it, which seems to be what happens when individually more-or-less okay men get into large groups. What for? Oh, and I'm not much for the Original Sin guilt-trip, either.

And if he can't do it without external backing, well, great!

I mean, I've been to a few places, people are just people, and if there's a heaven, I'm betting it doesn't have a capacity limit.

Mr. Ham: *sniffs* Ayaeh, Syrriah, ish piteeful. *hic*

Me: But enough of that. On the brighter side, there's been some much-needed advances in food production tech. There's been GM salmon and other fish for some time, but to me the really exciting development is directly culturing meat, which is desirable on so many levels. Indeed, it's something I'd throw money at. And of course, China's roaring straight ahead, if with cloning instead of culturing. Might be helpful too. And...

*Mr. Ham collapses*

Me: Oh. Wait... *does a few calculations, whistles* My word, his blood alcohol levels must be over the moon, it's a wonder he lasted as long as he did. That will take some time to sleep off; eh, I could use a paperweight about now...



Sometimes, it's really not so black and white.
[N.B. Jack is Back, finally!]


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