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Sunday, Jan 25, 2015 - 20:47 SGT
Posted By: Ham H. Let

Or So Ham Says

"A sad, boring place."
- Reddit summary of the week


Mr. Ham: *peeks into cubicle yet again* Hola, Mr. Robo!

Mr. Robo: Oh no no no, I'm not falling for that again! How dumb do you think I am?!

Mr. Ham: Hey, I didn't dock your pay for that break we enjoyed last weekend, as promised.

Mr. Robo: No, but the bill for the table was astronomical. And after I turned my head to get it, you had disappeared.

Mr. Ham: You get what you pay for, and that cafe was the best. I certainly wouldn't have settled for less.

Mr. Robo: Then shouldn't you have split the cost?

Mr. Ham: I said you, not we. And enough of that, aren't we forgetting something very important?

Mr. Robo: Er, the new plushie came out at McDonalds?

Mr. Ham: No, it's our human's 31st birthday! And have you gotten the lao uncle anything?

Mr. Robo: Ah, crap! Uh, I suppose I could rewrap the paperclip I got for Christmas. I suppose you're gifting another of your certificates?

Mr. Ham: Why, Mr. Robo, I am far more thoughtful than that. *whips out parcel from cheek pouch* Just look at all these titles that were on his Amazon wishlist!

Mr. Robo: Now that you mention that, he was grumbling the other day about his order having gone missing, and the deliveryman complaining about having been mugged by a, I repeat verbatim, "small, grey, vicious, furry individual".

Mr. Ham: My, my, what has the neighbourhood gone to?

Mr. Robo: But... I don't know. Sometimes, it just seems all so pointless.

Mr. Ham: It's that time of the year again, I see.

But, you're right. No one at all will remember. Can you even remember all eight of your great-grandparents' names? And if that, do you know anything of what they were like, their friends, their hobbies, their loves?

And if you're talking about a more public fame, how many present-day celebrities can you name? Perhaps a fair few, you say; but take football - how many stars from the 1950s can you rattle off? Almost definitely rather fewer than a fan of the period. Okay, let's say you're interested in physics. A big admirer of Einstein, of course. But who was the Nobel laeurate in 1926? 1960? Or even those of 1998?

Ah, you say, but there are those whose memory has lasted for many centuries! But they are very few, and it is not unlikely that their deeds have been embellished by the dust of the years, to the point that they are more a symbol - a construct - of the storytellers' needs, than themselves. Desiring immortality, men have erected both monuments and gods. Neither survive the shifting sands.

Thus it is said, O Robo, that we are destined to dissolve into nothingness.

Mr. Robo: Gee, that sounds depressing.

Mr. Ham: Ah, but consider the counterpoint. Your words and actions are observed by all you come into contact with, and though they might not be quantifiable, their consequences ripple throughout reality. A random act of kindness could be passed on, and inspire a child - or merely arouse envy. We do not know exactly - but the effect is there. Every moment, every breath, propagating ceaselessly through time.

Further, in a purely physical sense, the gravitational forces that you produce are not constrained; the marks of your existence are constantly broadcast through space, affecting - however imperceptibly - all they encounter. The universe would quite literally not be the same without you.

And, as a side bonus, if you put your chips in, you stand a fair shot at becoming the ancestor of every living hamster in due course... and you wouldn't even have to wait very long.

Thus it is said, O Robo, that we are effortlessly eternal.

So, O Robo, the lesson: all our resolution is folly, but our impact guaranteed; our ego doomed, but our spirit unbound; we are powerless to effect, and yet we effect beyond measure. Thus is the sorrow and the glory that is ham.

Mr. Robo: My, that's very deep.

Mr. Ham: I am a cult leader emeritus, after all.

Mr. Robo: *hopefully* So does this mean that you'll pick up the tab for the cafe expenses? Since it's all the same to you and everybody, and all that.

Mr. Ham: Infinity doesn't stretch quite that far, my boy.



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Next: An Opportune Return


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