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A bowler-hatted hamster stands before a microphone. Mr. Ham: *clears throat* Good evening and welcome to Super Tuesday Fight Night, on the GOP Pay-Per-View Channel! For tonight's main event, we have the highly-anticipated Fatal Five Way free-for-all, for the Unified Nomination Title. It's going to be an absolute bloodbath, folks - five men enter, one man stays; no rest, no rules, no holds barred, no mercy. Are you ready? Let's ruuummmble! Making his way down to the ring first, is the underdog for the night, "Straight Man" Kasich! Six feet tall and weighing one hundred and ninety pounds, two-time winner of the Ohio Valley Championship, Mister Bland is an orthodox grappler of the old school. No doubt we'll see some good, clean fighting on his part, but let's be honest, that particular style hasn't worked very well in this promotion for a long, long time, heh. Next up, "Doctor Sleep" Ben Carson! As you might have guessed, he is a veritable master of strangleholds, and few have ever managed to kick out from his rear naked choke finisher! Some have criticized the rest of his moveset as being sluggish, but they have inevitably ended up unconscious at the hands of the good doctor. From Motown, Detroit, Michigan - six foot one, 185 pounds, he'll rearrange your brain, Doctor Benbenbenbenben Carsssoooonnn! Dr. Carson? Oh well. Riding in from the other end of the arena, we have the "Canadian Crusher", Ted Cruz! He's holding aloft the Bible Belt, which he has held for some weeks now, after screwing Dr. Carson out of it Iowa - he's never gotten over it, fellas. Anyway, Cruz bills himself as being from Houston, Texas, but he's not fooling anybody - we all know he's from Calgary, Alberta. The mountie hat was a dead giveaway, Ted. But, make no mistake, the Cruzsader has a real shot at it today, folks. He's made a name for himself with his uncompromising right-wing lariats, often followed up by a Crippler Crossface, Crossface Chickenwing, or a Cross Armbreaker - you can tell what he likes - and by the way, he stole all of those moves. Still, no one can call down brimstone and hellfire, or kick you when you're down, quite like "TrusTed" Cruz! Five foot eleven, 175 pounds - though you should really check that - Teeeeeeed Cruuuuuuz! And entering from the south side, carried by his underlings, the leader of The Establishment stable, hailing from sunny Miami, Florida, "The Robot", Marco Rubio! The favourite adopted son of the company owners, they have pulled out all the stops to ease Rubio's path to the title, but truth to tell, it was rather forced, and never got him over with the fans. Sure, about Latino wrestlers, there have been lovable rogues like Eddie Guerrero, high-flying luchadores like Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara, and tag team talents like Los Matadores. Guess what, they're all more popular than Rubio, who's seriously trying way too hard to sell his Hispanic heritage. Plus, he works stiff due to his nervousness. And he sweats a lot. But the big money's on Rubio to come away with the title, ladies and gentlemen. What The Big Boss wants, he gets. And indeed, Rubio's prancing about like he's won already, and his enforcers are forcing the crowd to cheer for the Latino Dream. There it is, five foot eleven-and-a-ha... *glass shatters* KA-CHING! (Source: imgur.com) AND HE'S HERE! THE MAN, THE LEGEND, THE STAR OF THE SHOW! THE TEFLON DON, THE BILLIONAIRE BRUISER, THE TAXPAYER'S CHAMPION, THE PREDATOR CENTIPEDE, THE UNSTUMPABLE, THE MOST ELECTRIFYING CANDIDATE IN POLITICAL ENTERTAINMENT, TOWER OF POWER, KING OF QUEENS, GOD-EMPEROR DJ TRUUUUUUUUUMMMPPPP! His usual valets Melania and Ivanka aren't here, for some reason, but you got to admit, TRUMP's got style. But he's definitely not just here for the ride, people - he isn't a World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Famer for nothing. TRUMP may have been in this business for a long time, but few have come close to his HIGH ENERGY JAZZ! Look at this crowd, all - they're here to watch him TRUMP the rest, fresh from burying Jeb! and the Bush Dynasty in the desert sands of Los Alamos. TRUMP is taking his time to enter the ring as he acknowledges his fans... and Rubio and Cruz exchange a quick look behind his back. The dastardly duo are planning something... and there it is! Rubio pulls out a committee chair and swings for TRUMP's head... and it bounces off his hair! But at the same time, Cruz hits a low blow, which staggers TRUMP momentarily. They then drag TRUMP inside, and pull him into a corner, as the referee signals for the bell to be rung. This can't be fair, right, Mr. Robo? Mr. Robo: It's horrible. Mr. Ham: You heard it, folks. The dirty, dirty heels! They're not giving TRUMP a chance to catch his breath - Cruz has him in his patented Filibuster Lock - while Rubio unloads a flurry of Cuban Chops upon him. TRUMP's handling it great, though, he's blocking both handily. Kasich is hovering about the action, he's trying to figure out his next move... ...and is that Dr. Carson making his way towards the ring? He looks like he's just woken up! And, er, he's staring at his own hands. Is he alright? Come to think of it, he has just come off a mandatory layoff after receiving treatment for concussions... Ooh, and TRUMP just wriggled out of Cruz's Carpet Bomb, with his Premature Abortion dodge - haven't seen that escape for some years! Remember, looks can be deceptive; despite his impressive girth, TRUMP is one nimble fella. Rubio was waiting there, however, and connects with a cybernetic arm... that certainly isn't part of the standard equipment, but remember, ladies and gentlemen, there are no rules here! Kasich, perhaps realising that he is supposed to be participating, half-heartedly pulls Cruz up... and is stuck with a Scriptural Reversal. Nope, wouldn't have seen that coming either. Dr. Carson remains rambling incoherently outside. Cruz throws Kasich over the top rope by ducking, and comes to Rubio's aid just as TRUMP is regaining the upper hand. It's looking bad for TRUMP, he's the best wrestler in the ring, but he can't last forever in a two-on-one with Rubio and Cruz scheming to consolidate their strength... but what's that? ![]() AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? (Source: theblacksphere.net) HE'S HERE! IT'S THE JERSEY JAMMER, CHRIS CHRISTIE! HERE FOR THE TRUMP IN HIS HOUR OF NEED! THE CROWD GOES WILD, ABSOLUTELY WILD, AS CHRISTIE'S MUSIC HITS! Rubio goes ashen-faced, he's completely stricken, he remembers how Christie completely dismantled him in New Hampshire, it's probably baked into his genes. Rubio was flattened by three hundred and fifty pounds of pure Gubernatorial mass, his Banzai Dropout was inhumane, folk - the FCC are refusing to allow the clip to be replayed. Christie is Rubio's worst nightmare writ large, and he's back! TRUMP deftly takes advantage of the distraction, and sucker-punches Cruz. Let's cut to ringside for a bit... nobody's attacking Dr. Carson for some reason. Maybe we turn up the volume and hear what he's muttering... "the blood of the innocent will farm the fruit salad of my celestial awakening?!" Okay, man, I'm not getting close to that, man. Back inside, Christie is chasing Rubio around the ring... he's getting a bit winded, but that has bought TRUMP the time he needs to deal with Cruz. Cruz tries to put TRUMP in his Spanish Inquisition... and eats a Populist Elbow! That came out of nowhere! Kasich tries to take advantage of the situation after clambering back in... and is knocked outside once more by TRUMP's accidental backhand. Why is he even here again? Unfortunately for TRUMP, Christie is now out of breath, and Robot Rubio is back in play... hey, he charged himself back up, that must be against the rul... oh, yes. Rubio lands an Outsider Appeal to TRUMP's jaw... but that's TRUMP's signature move! Rubio is taunting the Don by copying him! This is extremely disrespectful, folks! It's disgusting! AND THE TRUMP YUGGGEEES UP! HE'S DRAWING ENERGY FROM THE CROWD! Rubio repeats his increasingly ineffective assaults mechanically, as TRUMP absorbs it all without flinching! THE MAN IS INVULNERABLE! Cruz tries another sneak takedown, but is met by TRUMP's big boot in his... ouch. That was an illegal ejection if ever there was one, but I'll say it again, zero rules, and definitely zero mercy! The men in dark suits up there don't look amused, people - TRUMP is making a mockery of their investment. The Big Boss Man is speaking into his handphone... and Rubio's Gang of Eight begin to make their way menacingly to the cage, while keeping a wide berth from Dr. Carson. You know The Shield from WWE? Well, they're like that, only two-and-two-thirds times more numerous! TRUMP is in big troub... ![]() YOU KNOW MY NAME (Source: pinterest.com) TWO OF THE G8 MINIONS ARE SENT FLYING! WHO IS THAT MAN? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? HE IS THE ULTIMATE HUNTER! DUNCAN "MACLEOD" HUNTER, THE IMMORTAL WARRIOR, FORMER U.S. MARINE CORPS PATRIOT, HAS THROWN HIS LOT IN WITH THE TRUMP! AND FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ARENA, LE PAUL CATCHES JOHNNY CANE WITH HIS AU REVOIR! THE FRENCH WERE OUR FRIENDS AFTER ALL! IT'S PANDAMONIUM OUT THERE! Oh wait, our token Asian wrestler is on leave. IT'S CHAOS! BEAUTIFUL CHAOS! "THE BODY" JESSE VENTURA IS RELIVING HIS GLORY DAYS WITH HIS BODYBREAKER ON LINDSEY GRAHAM! GRAHAM IS STUNNED! HE CAN ONLY MUMBLE ABOUT IT ALL BEING BATSHIT CRAZY, AND WE AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY! EVEN VIRGIL HAS MADE A COMEBACK FOR TRUMP HERE... no, not that Virgil, the other one. BUT IT ALL COUNTS! But there are only four of them - Sarah "Lady of Pain" Palin is still trying to spot Russia, while Scotty 2 Brownie is being held up behind her... they can't hold off the G8 indefinitely, and Jeff Sessy has made it to the cage entrance with Mitch McConnell... AND JEFF BACKSTABS MITCH! GRANDMASTER JEFF SESSY, THE OLDEST OF THE OLD GUARD, THE QUINTESSENTIAL ALABAMIAN BLUE-BLOOD, HAS TURNED ON HIS MASTERS! SESSY KNOCKS MCCONNELL OUT COLD WITH A FLAGPOLE HE RETRIEVED FROM BENEATH THE RING! HE THEN UNFURLS IT, TO REVEAL THE STARS AND STRIPES! DID I SAY THE CROWD WAS GOING NUTS? WELL, THEY ARE POSITIVELY IN A FRENZY NOW! THE ARENA IS SHAKING, FOLKS! IT IS COMING DOWN! DO YOU HEAR THAT? USA! USA! USA! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Robot Rubio CANNOT BELIEVE it! He has SHORT-CIRCUITED! He has SHUT DOWN! Chris Christie comes at him... THAT'S THE CHRISTIE CHOKE! MARCO RUBIO IS CHOKING! WHAT A CHOKESLAM! IF RUBIO'S APPROVAL RATINGS HAVEN'T GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR, FOLKS, HIS HEAD CERTAINLY HAS! And what's this, ohmygawd ohmygawd, Christie is headed for the top turnbuckle... DON'T DO IT, CHRIS! THAT WOULD BE MANSLAUGHTER! Actually, technically, it would be property damage... IT'S TOO LATE! CHRISTIE LAUNCHES HIS THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS WITH THE WEIGHT OF THE BILL OF RIGHTS... AND THE RING HAS COLLAPSED! THEY MUST BE DEAD, JIM! THE LORD HAVE MERCY ON THEIR SOULS! Is it over yet? No, somehow, implausibly, two men are left standing! The Donald and Ted Cruz! Kasich is already at the exit, mumbling something about Ohio, he's had enough, and I don't blame him. Nope, not at all. So, it's down to TRUMP against the Cruzsader! It can't be long now, my friends. This extraordinary battle must be coming to a conclusion. Cruz has to give it his all now, and lunges at TRUMP with his finisher, the Armageddon Fist of Righteous Dominionist Fury... AND TRUMP NO-SELLS IT! TED CRUZ IS INCREDULOUS! HIS HOLY WRATH HAS FAILED HIM AGAINST THE APEX ALPHA! CRUZ IS FROZEN! WHAT WILL THE TRUMP DO? A YUGE TWO-HANDED SHOVE INTO THE ROPES, HIS VAUNTED "TWO CORINTHIANS", STRAIGHT INTO HIS LEG OF LIBERTY! CRUZ IS DOWN! HE CAN'T GET UP! IT MUST BE ALL OVER! WAIT, TRUMP ISN'T DONE YET! HE'S DRAGGING CRUZ INTO THE MIDDLE OF WHAT REMAINS OF THE RING AND... OH, MY! WHO'S THE TRUE BELIEVER NOW, HUH? WHO'S IT? IT'S THE WALLS OF MEXICO! THE WALLS OF MEXICO! OH, THE HUMANITY! THIS... THIS IS PLAIN TORTURE! STOP IT! STOP IT NOW! AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH, NO MAN HAS PASSED THROUGH IT AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE! THE REFEREE MOVES TO END IT, BUT HE IS SWALLOWED UP BY THE CROWD! THE MOB IS OVERTAKEN BY BLOODLUST! CRUZ IS A GONER! SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR! NO, NOT THAT ONE! FORGET IT, GO FETCH A PRIEST! CRUZ IS TAPPING LIKE FRED ASTAIRE ON AMPHETAMINES! IT'S OVER! We have our winner for the night, the UNDEFEATED GOP HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE, THE TEN BILLION DOLLAR MAN, DOONNNAAALLLLDDDD TRUMP! TRUMP stands over the broken body of Cruz triumphantly, and glances around for the referee - no sign of him anywhere. Never mind, where is the prize for the contest, the Unified Nomination Title Belt? There it is! Rubio has stolen it! He is being supported out of the arena by two surviving members of his entourage! The Robot is mouthing off as he limps away... how will THE TRUMP react? *glass shatters again* Now what? Surely nothing can surprise me any longer... I stand corrected, IT'S STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN! AND TRIPLE H! WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY DOING HERE? THIS IS THE GOP, NOT THE WWE! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HAPPENING?! AND ARE THEY HOLDING... WATERBOTTLES? THE ARENA GOES DEADLY SILENT AS THE TWO FORCES OF DESTRUCTION MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS TRUMP! SURELY NOT EVEN THE GOD-EMPEROR CAN TAKE BOTH OF THEM AT ONCE? TRUMP STANDS HIS GROUND, AND STARES STONE COLD AND TRIPLE H DOWN. THE TENSION IS PALPABLE! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER! NOBODY CAN! AND THEY ARE SMILING! TRIPLE H IS SMILING! HIS THEME SONG PLAYS AS HE TAKES A GULP FROM HIS BOTTLE, AND DOES HIS ENTRANCE MIST! STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN SMASHES HIS BOTTLES TOGETHER, AND HANDS ONE TO TRUMP! TRUMP LOOKS AT AUSTIN. AUSTIN LOOKS AT TRUMP. TRUMP SMILES. IT'S RUBIO! MY WORD! THE ARENA IS ERUPTING LIKE IT HAS NEVER ERUPTED BEFORE! THIS IS A SPECIAL, SPECIAL DAY IN AMERICAN HISTORY, MY FRIENDS, AND WE ARE ALL DEEPLY PRIVILEGED TO BEAR WITNESS TO THIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION! IT IS AS THE SIGNING OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS, AND THE MOON LANDING, ALL ROLLED INTO ONE! TRUMP SLOWLY POINTS TOWARDS THE 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION SIGN HANGING FROM THE CEILING - THE TRUMP INVASION HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED, GENTLEMEN! MARK THE DATE DOWN ON YOUR CALENDARS, WRITE IT ON YOUR UNDERPANTS: JULY THE EIGHTEENTH, CLEVELAND, OHIO, THE REPUB RUMBLE, THE ELIMINATION CHAMBERS, AND DEFINITELY PLENTY OF MONEY IN THE BANK... IT'LL ALL HAPPEN AT VOTERMANIA XLI - BUY YOUR TICKETS TODAY! And, erm, is that Dr. Carson still wandering over there? Well, nothing to do with us, I suppose. Thank you for watching Super Tuesday Fight Night, I'm Mr. Ham, and he's Mr. Robo. Next up on GOP PPV, we have the Fox News special, "Indict Hillary" - but first, a commercial break: TAIWANESE MEDIA STRONK Next: War Of The Worlds
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