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Saturday, Mar 14, 2020 - 19:08 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Yes, The Suspension!

Alright, WHO's declared the pandemic, as everybody else had expected - even CNN got the drop on this, for goodness' sake! Throughout the entire affair, it has turned out that sources lambasted as "fake news" by the establishment have tended to yield the truth well-ahead of the sanitized mainstream media; but fine, it's to prevent panic, amiright? Nobody mention that it's mutating rapidly, then (though this might not be bad actually)


You'll Never Win It Alone


The EURO 2021 finals
(Source: assets.londonist.com)


Sport certainly hasn't been spared, and the NBA getting suspended a few days ago (after Gobert's badly-timed silent joking about) was probably the first inkling some Americans had that this isn't a drill. As for football, with various players such as Juventus' Daniele Rugani popping up infected, the clubs that they had recently come into contact with would inevitably insist on self-isolation, lest they contribute members to the rapidly-improving Coronavirus FC. Clearly, there was no way that the show could go on, but being the stiff-upper-lip sort that they are, the English steadfastedly refused to yield even after La Liga, Serie A and Ligue 1 etc had shut down. This dragged on until yesterday, when the league admins finally acknowledged the unavoidable, and put the Premier League on hold until April 3, but frankly I doubt it'll resume after that.

We all have to find humour in these difficult times, and given that it's written into my contract as a Manchester United fan that said humour should come at the expense of Liverpool as far as is possible, it's been a hilarious month. I mean, I almost wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but when it happens on its own, one can't help but giggle randomly through the day.

Much as one would like to deny it, Liverpool had assembled one of the best squads in soccer, and there was the very real chance that they would write themselves into the history books by sweeping all before them; alright, getting swept out of the League Cup quarterfinals 5-0 by Aston Villa denied them a shot at the fabled quadruple, but they could rightly claim that Carabao was a silly name anyway.

"Meh, we're still flying high, 26 wins and a draw from 27 games, the Arsenal Invincibles of 2004 had nothing on that; World champions, European champions, now headed for the best top division season maybe forever..."

Leap Day: Get smashed 0-3 by relegation-threatened Watford

"Fine, we're gonna win it anyway, let's just focus on the Treble, we gave up on the League Cup for that."

March 3: Dumped out of the FA Cup by Chelsea, 0-2

"Who cares about trebles, there's a Champions League trophy to defend, Europe is where it's at."

March 11: Atletico Madrid park the bus, strike twice in extra time at Anfield to eliminate Liverpool from the CL, 2-4 on aggregate

"...fine. But there's one thing they will never take from us, and it's our first league title in thirty years. Macheda screwed us over in 2009, Gerrard slipped on a banana peel in 2014, Kompany somehow belts it to the top corner from outside the box last year to deny us despite our 97 points being enough in like 99 of the previous 100 seasons... well, we're 25 points - 25! - ahead with ten games to play, we can confirm it mathematically in two weeks for the earliest-ever title, surely there is simply no way we're gonna bottle it this year?"

March 13: COVID 19-18 Liverpool


If a higher power exists, He might just be a United supporter, from how Leeds and City are getting done in too. Adding to the surrealism, Ronaldinho's set to star in a Paraguayan prison tournament (prize: one piglet), after getting busted for a fake passport; he's apparently tuning up well. Then there's the FAS and MCCY squabbling over who gets to foot the bill for the already-in-shambles Goal 2034, but at this rate they should just switch over to supporting the FIFA console gamers already.



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