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Monday, Oct 11, 2021 - 23:57 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

For The Common Good

Scene: a fire station, in some country; a new employee reports for his first day of work.

Blonde Guy: Well, well, lookie what we got here.

Black Guy: Don't mind him. I'm Lemarcus, that joker's Payne, and our crew leader's Greybeard over there. Welcome on board, sonny.

New Guy: Thanks! I've always wanted to follow my parents into the service, and I'm looking forward to learning from all of you!

Payne: That's the spirit! *deafening alarm rings* No rest for the wicked then, we'll have to do it on the job. All stations go!

New Guy: Uh, it's just the four of us?

Lemarcus: Ain't a very big town, and a bunch of us have been calling in sick due to some mandate or other. Barely have time to keep up with the news nowadays, not that it's a huge loss.

*Ten minutes later, at the site of the fire*

New Guy: Wow. This looks... really bad.

Payne: *suddenly serious* Yeah, it may be the worst that I've seen, in my fifteen years here.

Lemarcus: Yeah, no way to get in through the ground floor now. This definitely isn't up to code, but knowing that doesn't help us at this point. Windows and balconies barred too, no getting out that way, poor things. It's a ten-storey building too, unlikely we are going to save them all with our single truck.

Payne: Bad news, I've been calling for assistance all this while, but the other departments are all engaged and can't send anyone until tomorrow or the day after. It's up to us. But yeah, with our ladder and hose we can reach up to... three floors? Maybe five? What do you think, sir?

Greybeard: *shakes head solemnly* Realistic estimate, we may be able to save a quarter, perhaps a third. Perhaps half if we are very lucky, and some of those on the upper floors made it down early... but we can't prove that. In the worst case, as little as 10% if the building's near full occupancy, and those on the inside have asphyxiated. At least there are a bunch of survivors still screaming for help at the windows, thank heavens.

Lemarcus: So the course of action is clear, then?

Greybeard: *sadly* I am afraid so.

New Guy: Let's go!

Payne: Yeah! Poker, Spades or Contract Bridge?

New Guy: *stunned* Uh, excuse me, but what?

Lemarcus: Safety regulations? We are not allowed to attempt an intervention unless we have published evidence that efficacy is at least 50%, with statistical significance? Didn't you pass your theory test before getting this job?

Payne: Guys, if you don't mind, it's getting pretty hot down here; how about we set up the table slightly further away? Newbie, if you want to write up the report, be sure to continue observing closely.

Greybeard: I vote Bridge.

Lemarcus: Me too.

New Guy: Err, guys, I don't think those trapped in the building look very happy at us moving off. They seem to be jumping up and down and yelling something, but it's hard to make out over the crackling of the flames.

Payne: *shuffling deck* Sounds to me like "Let's go Brandon!" - say, wasn't that your name, new guy?

Brandon: *blushing* Gee, they shouldn't have! I haven't even done anything for them yet!

Lemarcus: Mr. Popular already, eh? Word, many of them are giving us the Hawaiian good luck sign! Never knew so many of them were from my old state! *stands up* ALOHA 'AINA! 'OHANA! WE LOVE YOU TOO!

New Guy: ...guys, maybe we should really try something...

Payne: Fine, fine, freshie eager to make a difference, I was like that once. You be the dummy, I'll turn a blind eye and do the bidding this round. TWO NO TRUMPS!

New Guy: Yessir! *Grabs firehose*

Greybeard: Wait! Hold up! Urgent missive from the higher-ups!



To the best of my knowledge, they haven't
(Sources: tweetgen.com and flickr.com)


Lemarcus: *Looking at screen* Oh my word. I never knew.

Payne: Yeah, the headlines are suddenly full of drowning reports. Like this elderly chap who never swam in his life, fell off the side of a cruise ship. He was dead when they recovered him, family is furious. Never knew water was that dangerous. *eyes tumbler suspiciously*

Greybeard: Yeah, just read this report of a fellow who suffered a concussion after he ate a hose point-blank at full blast. *shakes head* Plainly irresponsible. Thankfully, a company has just swung around to inform us of their new product called "retardation foam", that avoids such issues. True, it may be a hundred times more expensive than dihydrogen monoxide by volume, and we would have to purchase their custom delivery system, but you can never put a price on safety! Understand how foolish your attempted actions are now, Brandon?

Brandon: Ye... yessir. Sorry sir.

Greybeard: Just take that as a lesson, son. Don't listen to those conspiracy peddlars online. You'll go a long way.



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