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Saturday, June 01, 2024 - 02:12 SGT
Posted By: Gilbert

Serious Search, Concluded


On Independence


It was more or less just this
(Original source: kengan-manga.com)


As to why only now and not say five or ten years ago, I suppose I... honestly didn't think about it (and the implications). Causality's biggest blind spot is usually about the self, after all. There's no use for recriminations, though, so onwards!

A large part of this would also be down to independence; a common pitfall in relationships has been said to be (co-)dependancy, but in my case, the problem is that I honestly don't need anyone. I could (badly) want someone, I suppose, but if push comes to shove, I would be forced to admit that yes, I would (sadly?) survive by myself. Put another way, I'm quite comfortable in my own skin, thank you - and the whole "being accurate & true to oneself/one's own judgment" trait makes group membership and participation mostly optional. It might be one against a thousand, a thousand against one, or five hundred (and one) against five hundred - it matters not.

Retracing my life a little, I have been assured that I had been quite the chatterbox in my younger years (up to my early teens?), and also more up for the whole "leadership" shtick. However, the passage of years has had me shift from wanting to actively influence or persuade others to accept or support some issue (because I said so), to really wishing that they would be able to derive the outcome for themselves...


Magic Mirror On The Wall

This is a digression on dating being described as a numbers game towards finding (one of) "The One(s)". It turns out that this characterization is considered to be offensive by some, who (not wrongly) object to people being reduced to numbers, which moreover takes much of the romance out of the process.

On this, imagine there being a magic mirror, an oracle, which can show you (ok, if single) - or anyone - their (mutual) best match, currently existing in the world. Note that this is entirely different from the (probably more common) love potion trope, which rewires the target to love oneself (which, if one thinks about it, is [creepy] brainwashing). With the magic mirror, "The One" already exists as-is (and is assumed to be available, since that probably factors kinda highly into the best match criteria). All it does is to reveal her (or his) identity, to the beholder.

It might be mentioned here that I believe that most everyone has some unique "types", or at least some unique features - often commonly thought of as flaws - that they prefer; in other words, the quintessential "10" who's maxed out conventionally in all areas (e.g. looks, intelligence, wealth, etc., as if all sliders were topped off on a character creation screen), would not actually be their true "The One"* (not the least because such a profile basically screams "scam"**). Instead, it might be the hair, a little too thin or full; the ears, peeking out just so from within; the eyes, a bit too small or too wide apart; the nose, too thin yet striking, pug-like but adorable; the teeth, just a tad snaggled, just a teeny bit fanged; the neck long and elegant, or stubby and sweet; the curves exaggerated, or lack of such; the legs bowed a little, or thicker than usual, or rod-like.

And that's just the physicals***.

So, imagine this mirror, it is able to find one's true desire amongst billions; all those tiny quirks, the curve of the face, the way she turns her head in dappled sunlight, the smile crooked just the way one likes it, before she looks away again; the voice, too girlish but somehow perfect, or deep yet entirely feminine; the way she walks, that carefree hop, or the full strides that show off those legs so well; her thoughts and words, many or few, serious or not, but always so captivating; her flaws, so forgivable, that mess when she yawns having slept in too late again; on top of that, on top of all that, her adoration, pure and true - because you are her "The One" too, just as you are, honestly all she wanted, ever wanted.



That's how it works
(Source: readcomiconline.li)


How much would this magic mirror be worth, to a person, to the world?

Or at least this was what the old OkCupid was going for - on the personality end at least - with their quizzes and such, before the Match Group took over and transformed it into mostly another Tinder clone. But in any case, the moral of this story is that we don't have a magic mirror. Too bad, so sad. As such, "playing the numbers game" by meeting more prospects appears to be the only way out, and trust me, I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't have to. If anybody has any better ideas, I'm all ears.

[*One classic example of this appears in Gu Long's famous wuxia novel 绝代双骄 (there are many English translations of the title, probably most popularly The Legendary/Proud Twins); the story begins with bishōnen Jiang Feng spurning the advances of Empress Yao Yue to elope with her servant girl, despite Yao Yue being a legitimate ten by all the usual measures (beauty, wealth, power [being arguably the top martial artist in that universe, certainly the top female one]). Jiang Feng's famous retort as to why this rejection was that "她是一团火，一块冰，一柄剑，她甚至可说是鬼，是神，但绝不是人" - Yao Yue was a wad of fire, a chunk of ice, a sword; she could even be said to be a phantom or a deity, but definitely inhuman; he was unable to love an elemental being, and thus loved the servant girl, who was human and understood him instead. Ironically, the first-person narrative makes it clear that Yao Yue was not only human, but very much a woman; but by the opening scene, it was too late. Perhaps she should have sprung for a therapist.]

[**Possibly still worth it, for some guys.]

[***Actually, identifying one's physical "types" should be fairly easy to implement with today's generative AI tools - one could imagine starting with four slightly-different versions of a generic (wo)man, as implemented by Midjourney etc. The user selects the one closest to his "type", upon which the GenAI model produces another four variants of that image (possibly not entirely randomly, since feature control is quantifiable), so on and so forth until the image of "The One" stares out of the screen. Of course, this person does not actually exist, so the next step would be to link up with some (popular) dating app, and run the image against the available population to return the closest match(es). Admittedly this involves external appearance only, but it would be a start.]


The L-word


I'm not sayin' I'm scared, but... it's understandable why Ohma ran
[N.B. They do end up getting together eventually - according to her, at least.]
(Source: kenganashura.com)


So, what is love?

In the dating context, Sternberg's triangular theory would be a famous representation, in which intimacy, passion and commitment are all required for the consummate version. Otherwise, we get the "lesser" kinds of love:
  • Intimacy only: Liking
  • Passion only: Infatuation
  • Commitment only: Empty
  • Intimacy+Passion: Romantic
  • Intimacy+Commitment: Companionate
  • Passion+Commitment: Fatuous

One can refer to the source for the fuller descriptions of all these (together with other expressions such as "love languages", which appear to have become a staple in the dating landscape), but the "standard" development would seem to be romantic (possibly with liking/infatuation before that), hopefully towards consummate, and possibly fading a little to companionate, through a marriage.

It was a little unsettling to realise that one's specialty leaned heavily to the "empty" style (well, Void Fist sounds cool), but it's also slightly annoying to be judged as to whether one's love is "real" or not - especially when pertaining to something intended to be longer-term/permanent. While all that's required for a one-night stand would be how to split the bill for the hotel room, it's sensible to at least consider more... material aspects, when marriage is in the picture. In traditional Chinese culture, this involves confirming if the suitor 有房有车 (i.e. owns a home and a car) - which, well, translates directly to money, since these possessions are entirely fungible. In fact, it might be observed that a prospect without these items would not be considered a (hu)man - 不算(男)人 - in the matchmaking/courtship context.

This is definitely not limited to Chinese or even Asian culture, certainly - anecdotes abound of gals (ok, and guys, because this is an era of gender equality) trying to infer the wealth level of their pursuers or targets, by observing their accessories, shoes, ride, etc - which extends all the way to looking up whether their Zip code is in an affluent neighbourhood, and indirect markers such as (big) dog ownership. At this stage, I'd prefer the honesty of a date directly asking (about salary, wealth, etc.) upfront, than trying to tease it out via oblique questions and dropping hints such as "ambitious" and "generous" (alongside other supporting signals). Look, lady, I got the compound interest valuation right here, there's really no need to interrupt this romantic moment with mental calculations!

We'll get back to this a little later on, but for now, a final comment on how love - or at least, interest - can be interpreted very differently by individuals. Take something as mundane as texting; I've already had feedback from one lady that she didn't think I was that interested, because I wasn't texting enough. However, overtexting is apparently also often interpreted as annoying, and a sign that a guy doesn't have much going on in his life. Again, open communication for the win.


The Deal


Let negotiations begin
(Original source: knowyourmeme.com)


And we come to what's on the table, since if we're looking at something serious, all this will have to come out sooner or later. Again, this is perhaps not necessary for some short-term casual fling, and yes, maybe it does take some of the spontaneity and "romance" out of the equation, but truthfully I can get with that. Since the main demographics have already been covered at the start of May, this will only emphasize previously-mentioned conditions as appropriate, enhanced by newly-won experience:

  • Age: Maintaining the 25 - 32 year age bracket for now, although it appears that options are significantly more plentiful, and actually often quite high-quality, in the 33 - 40 year range. Not only that, the more... mature ladies further tend to be rather more amenable and eager to seal the deal, so to speak - as no less than Ben Franklin noted centuries ago.

    Alas, this is unfortunately one of the last criteria that can be compromised on given the main objectives of the whole endeavour. Thus far, 28 to 31 years appears to offer the most promising balance, with those under 28 generally not having a complementary mindset.

  • Intention: Marriage & kids. With reference to the previous post, I'm not really eager to persuade or chase the indifferent any longer; if she doesn't know what she wants (whether marriage, kids or me), nothing wrong with that, but she can take her own time to figure it out.

    In response to possible protestations along the lines of this placing unreasonable pressure on the other party, or that it should begin with friendship and progress naturally, apologies but no. Going by past reasoning on getting together with "The One" logically being easy, she should be aligned on fundamentals such as this.

    Moreover, it's strange that stating "marriage & kids" as the desired outcome can be criticized as being too objective-oriented (and thus not a proper expression of "love"), when couples getting together due to hobbies (e.g. dancing, rock climbing) get a pass; I mean, one can always recruit dance partners or climbing buddies etc. without any engagement outside of the activity!

  • Education: While I had been willing to be open-minded about this, I have discovered that I'm quite the sucker for intelligence (and good spelling/grammar, beginning with those dating app bios) deep down. If really need be, however, I suppose this criteria can be loosened.

  • Attraction: It would be ideal if I were her 9 or 10 (and vice-versa) from the get-go, if simply because this affords a healthy margin of error in the relationship. One supposes it a lot easier to overlook or endure issues and idiosyncrasies when one seriously adores the other party to begin with, rather than having the first challenge lead one to wonder whether the pairing was worth it or not - as might be the case when the other party barely made one's rating/standards threshold. Sure, there's no telling how such assessments will fluctuate, but there's no harm in giving oneself the best possible odds from the start.


In return, what's on offer:

  • Support: Both material and emotional/other (though I may have to work on the latter). The entire point of, well, making loads of moolah was to support a family, because how much can a single guy spend on himself? Since fixating on this can understandably be a turn-off, this might be thought of as an option to skip some of the more unpleasant and grindy parts of life, and spend more time on those fun side-quests.

    I suppose it is possible to be offended by such an offer (generally via objections such as who do you think you are, I can make my own money, I don't want to be obliged to or depend on a man, etc.), but frankly I believe my true "The One" would understand - 都是夫妻了, 不需要算计这些了 - take the cash with a beguiling grin, and start planning the trip to Disneyland or Iceland or whereever. And really, it's not a good look when the lady starts fights over who wears the pants, if only because most guys really don't look good without their pants!

  • Openness: Look, just about anything can be discussed explicitly. Comms lines are open.

  • L-word: If it happens, it comes with the package.

  • Loyalty: I have dedicated nearly twenty years to the ghost of a shadow of a dream. I say this because it is true. I believe I can do it, and more, for a real person.

  • ???: Feel free to propose extras, light a fire. After so many years alone, I confess to wondering what life would be like, with actual close-up support!





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